Healthiest relationships based on agreeing the same people are twats

AGREEING with your partner on who the massive bellends is the best foundation of a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

While trust and physical intimacy are also important for couples to thrive, being on the same page about Georgia’s new wanker boyfriend truly keeps a partnership thriving.

Relationshop expert Dr Helen Archer said: “Love, respect and shared values are key. And the most important shared value is recognising dickheads when you see them.

“Agreeing with your partner on the turds who clap when planes land or their controlling nightmare of a stepmum, or simply Eamonn Holmes, really bonds a couple.

“It’s especially effective if you’re in close contact to the object of your shared loathing, for example a neighbour whose cat shits all over your lawn or a colleague who supports Chelsea.

“Mutual hatred of others is the foundation of attraction. Tinder’s retooling its algorithm so good, sensible people will never again be paired with f**knuts who have an unexpected admiration for Bono.”

Grace Wood-Morris said: “My boyfriend and are aren’t sexually compatible and don’t like the same films. But we both agree that Mark Francois is the king of the arseholes, so it’s fine.”

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Man only became a father so he could play with Lego

A FATHER-OF-TWO has admitted he only had children so he could play with Lego as an adult. 

Jordan Gardner, aged 39, viewed his son and daughter as a small price to pay for an unlimited Lego budget and plenty of enforced playing time he cannot be adversely judged for.

He said: “I love my children, which is a bonus, but they were very much a means to an end for me.

“Lego was brilliant when I was a kid and it’s gone from strength to strength since. I was eyeing sets lustfully but my girlfriend was repelled by the idea. So I thought the easiest workaround was to get her pregnant.

“Sometimes little Iain does get annoyed that we only play with Lego, and that I don’t let him mix Marvel and Star Wars characters, and when he gets it for his birthday and I build it all when he’s asleep because I’m too excited.

“But if I have to get up in the middle of the night to wipe actual excrement off an arse for three years, I believe I should be allowed to choose their toys. They’re bringing out the 1989 movie Batwing. I’ve pre-ordered.”

Lego collector Nathan Muir said: “Have children, just for Lego? Well I suppose if you think sex and companionship are worthwhile pursuits.”