Bearskin guard cannot believe ludicrous shit Trump has on his head

A BEARSKIN guard outside Buckingham Palace has admitted struggling to keep a straight face at the preposterous thing on President Trump’s head. 

Grenadier Guard Martin Bishop, who has seen it all and never cracked a smile, confessed that he was a hair’s breadth from collapsing into hysteria at the bizarre head-topping creation.

He continued: “It was curled on his head like the ghost of a fox, like a candyfloss turd, like a whirl of soft-scoop salted caramel.

“I’m used to keeping a straight face. In the summer I get 200 tit-flashes a day. But I could feel the laughter bubbling in my throat at this absurd bullshit on this man’s head.

“Why not just get a perfectly sensible hat, for God’s sake? Why draw attention to yourself when you could wear something practical and inoffensive like an 18-inch tall, one-and-a-half pound Canadian black bearskin cap?”

He added: “I’m actually bald under this. I deal with it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Widdecombe to cure gay people using magnets

ANN Widdecombe has confirmed that homosexuality could be reversed with powerful magnets.

The Brexit Party MEP believes the magnets could ‘reverse the polarity’ of gayness and turn committed queers into rampant straights.

She said : “The electromagnets would be set up as a doorway and the gay ones could walk through it. If they wanted to. Nobody’s making them. It would be their decision, and their families.

“The magnets would re-orientate their sexuality quickly and painlessly and when the men came out they would have lost all interest in sodomy completely, apart from for old times’ sake.

“They’d be delighted and could go off and have children and drop all their left-wing nonsense and vote sensibly and make their mothers proud.

“Also, if normal people wanted to try being gay for 48 hours they could give it a try and find out what’s wrong with it for themselves.”

Widdecombe added: “None of this is in the least prejudiced. It’s just common sense.”