Sunday, 16th May 2021

Bearskin guard cannot believe ludicrous shit Trump has on his head

A BEARSKIN guard outside Buckingham Palace has admitted struggling to keep a straight face at the preposterous thing on President Trump’s head. 

Grenadier Guard Martin Bishop, who has seen it all and never cracked a smile, confessed that he was a hair’s breadth from collapsing into hysteria at the bizarre head-topping creation.

He continued: “It was curled on his head like the ghost of a fox, like a candyfloss turd, like a whirl of soft-scoop salted caramel.

“I’m used to keeping a straight face. In the summer I get 200 tit-flashes a day. But I could feel the laughter bubbling in my throat at this absurd bullshit on this man’s head.

“Why not just get a perfectly sensible hat, for God’s sake? Why draw attention to yourself when you could wear something practical and inoffensive like an 18-inch tall, one-and-a-half pound Canadian black bearskin cap?”

He added: “I’m actually bald under this. I deal with it.”