Friday, 30th October 2020

'Foodies' congratulate themselves on ability to eat

THOUSANDS are self-styled 'foodies' are trumpeting their ability to orally process nutrients, it has emerged.

As Britain's food fetishism reaches fever pitch, many humans have begun describing themselves as 'foodies' in order to highlight their unique capacity for ingesting things and then pooing them out.

Foodie Tom Logan said: "Not only do I eat food with my mouth, I eat food that tastes nice. That's right, I'm not one of those people who likes unpleasant-tasting things like chalk and toads.

"I also like to 'whip up the odd gastro treat' in the kitchen. But not in a gay way. I cook in a strictly hetero, borderline passive aggressive way where I make a huge mess and guess the quantities of ingredients."

56-year-old fellow foodie Joseph Turner said: "In my youth I was a punk, but now I've completed my transition into everything I once hated I still need a sense of cultural identity so foodie is it. Anyone who doesn't like it can lick my spoon. No seriously, it's got some delicious jus on it."