Brexit divorce gives Northern Ireland to UK in week and EU at weekends

THE UK has agreed to share custody of Northern Ireland with the EU, and that it will look after the province Monday to Friday and split school holidays. 

After a financial settlement was agreed yesterday, the two parties have now come to an amicable agreement about the statelet with its best interests and future at heart.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “I sat down with Northern Ireland today and explained that sometimes countries, and unions of countries, don’t make each other happy any more.

“But that doesn’t mean we love it any less, and it definitely isn’t any of its fault.

“I just hope that flash bastard Barnier doesn’t spoil it. We all know he’s got all the bloody money – my money – so there’s no need to rub it in.”

Barnier said: “I do have a lot on already and I’ve got committments to other countries, but I realy believe we can make this work. Though it’ll have to get used to spending more time with Slovenia.”

A spokesman for Northern Ireland said: “This is all because of me, isn’t it. I’m going goth to show them.”