Brexit divorce gives Northern Ireland to UK in week and EU at weekends

THE UK has agreed to share custody of Northern Ireland with the EU, and that it will look after the province Monday to Friday and split school holidays. 

After a financial settlement was agreed yesterday, the two parties have now come to an amicable agreement about the statelet with its best interests and future at heart.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “I sat down with Northern Ireland today and explained that sometimes countries, and unions of countries, don’t make each other happy any more.

“But that doesn’t mean we love it any less, and it definitely isn’t any of its fault.

“I just hope that flash bastard Barnier doesn’t spoil it. We all know he’s got all the bloody money – my money – so there’s no need to rub it in.”

Barnier said: “I do have a lot on already and I’ve got committments to other countries, but I realy believe we can make this work. Though it’ll have to get used to spending more time with Slovenia.”

A spokesman for Northern Ireland said: “This is all because of me, isn’t it. I’m going goth to show them.”

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Trump retweets Britain First in attempt to win Royal wedding invite

DONALD Trump has retweeted a far-right party’s Islamophobic propaganda in an attempt to get an invite to the Royal wedding. 

The US president, who believes the gilded but meaningless occasion would be a perfect fit for his talents, thought the Britain First tweets were the perfect way to ingratiate himself with the Royal family.

Trump said: “Britain First. That says it all. And I know they’re going to love it.

“The Queen I think votes Britain First. I actually think that’s her party. So I think I did a great thing there, for the British people. Theresa May? Supports Sharia law. A lot of people have told me that.

“They actually want me to officiate at the wedding. I won’t do that, I said, so I’m going to give Miss Markle away. She doesn’t want her father, her father’s no good, so Trump’s giving her away, okay? It’ll be beautiful.”

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said: “Unfortunately Windsor Castle, where the wedding will take place, is slap bang in the middle of one of London’s many Muslim no-go areas Mr Trump knows so much about.”