‘Fake news CNN’ urged to just dig up the dirt that sends this f**ker to jail

AMERICAN media, dubbed ‘fake news’ by Donald Trump, have been urged to finally unearth the story that will leave him rotting in a prison cell.

As Trump retweeted fake, anti-Muslim videos from British fascists and then urged a boycott of ‘fake news CNN’, leading figures around the world pleaded with journalists to ‘just nail this fucker once and for all and let us get on with our lives’.

Pope Francis said: “Jesus wept. It’s every fucking day with this dickbag. Surely to God there must be something in the Russia thing? What about all his property deals? Come on.

“At the very least there must be a tape recording of him somewhere saying something unbelievably racist? Dig that up an I’ll stand at my little balcony at the Vatican and endorse the shit out of it.”

The Pontiff added: “I just want a US president who doesn’t make me want to puke, do you know what I mean?”

A spokesman for the Nobel Institute said: “We absolutely guarantee a Nobel Prize for the journalist who finally does the business and rids us all of this gigantic anal wart.”

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It took six months and a lot of work but we’ve caved completely, says David Davis

BREXIT minister David Davis has proudly told Britain that after six months of tough negotiating he has given in to every single one of the EU’s demands. 

Davis, who turned up to negotiations in June with a blank notepad and a hopeful expression, promised that nobody could have fought harder or achieved less than he did.

He continued: “From the first day, when I conceded that negotiations would proceed exactly as the EU had decided and then spent months trying to reverse that, I have been massively out of my depth. 

“For fruitless meeting after fruitless meeting, I have vainly insisted that things that were never going to happen should happen, no matter how clear it was that I was wrong. 

“And, finally, after battling through our own reality-denying pigheadness, we have achieved what we could have achieved on day one by capitulating utterly. 

“Now we have caved on the divorce bill, look forward to me caving on EU citizens’ rights and Northern Ireland in short order.”