AMERICAN media, dubbed ‘fake news’ by Donald Trump, have been urged to finally unearth the story that will leave him rotting in a prison cell.
As Trump retweeted fake, anti-Muslim videos from British fascists and then urged a boycott of ‘fake news CNN’, leading figures around the world pleaded with journalists to ‘just nail this fucker once and for all and let us get on with our lives’.
Pope Francis said: “Jesus wept. It’s every fucking day with this dickbag. Surely to God there must be something in the Russia thing? What about all his property deals? Come on.
“At the very least there must be a tape recording of him somewhere saying something unbelievably racist? Dig that up an I’ll stand at my little balcony at the Vatican and endorse the shit out of it.”
The Pontiff added: “I just want a US president who doesn’t make me want to puke, do you know what I mean?”
A spokesman for the Nobel Institute said: “We absolutely guarantee a Nobel Prize for the journalist who finally does the business and rids us all of this gigantic anal wart.”