BRITAIN has joined world leaders to call for a global pandemic treaty it will immediately act like a total dick about.
Boris Johnson joined leaders from Germany, France, South Africa, South Korea and many more to create a global accord that Britain can unilaterally ignore to prove a xenophobic point.
Foreign secretary Dominic Raab said: “We’re boosting global Britain by backing this effort to protect the world from deadly viruses. And when the whole world is watching, we’ll be knobheads about it.
“We’ll likely enter it in good faith, but it’s only a matter of time until we start making unreasonable demands of the international pandemic alliance to get good headlines in the Sun.
“We’ll grow to hate it because we’re not in charge, make unreasonable demands, and Boris will probably vow to leave to win the next election.
“This couldn’t have come at a better time. 18 months of chumming up with the foreigners then two years of throwing our pathetic weight around to alienate them. The electorate will lap it up.”
A spokesman from the World Health Organisation said: “We won’t bother putting up the British flag at our pandemic headquarters. It just doesn’t feel like a good use of our time.”