Britain calls for global pandemic treaty it can be a total dick about

BRITAIN has joined world leaders to call for a global pandemic treaty it will immediately act like a total dick about.

Boris Johnson joined leaders from Germany, France, South Africa, South Korea and many more to create a global accord that Britain can unilaterally ignore to prove a xenophobic point.

Foreign secretary Dominic Raab said: “We’re boosting global Britain by backing this effort to protect the world from deadly viruses. And when the whole world is watching, we’ll be knobheads about it.

“We’ll likely enter it in good faith, but it’s only a matter of time until we start making unreasonable demands of the international pandemic alliance to get good headlines in the Sun.

“We’ll grow to hate it because we’re not in charge, make unreasonable demands, and Boris will probably vow to leave to win the next election.

“This couldn’t have come at a better time. 18 months of chumming up with the foreigners then two years of throwing our pathetic weight around to alienate them. The electorate will lap it up.”

A spokesman from the World Health Organisation said: “We won’t bother putting up the British flag at our pandemic headquarters. It just doesn’t feel like a good use of our time.”

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Seven alternatives for when you forget your dog poo bags

YOUR delightful dog takes a dump right outside the school gates, and you’re all out of biodegradable bags? Here’s how to deal with the dirt: 

Boot it

Wait until the coast’s clear then hoof it into the undergrowth. A risky option that needs to take into account turd texture, stool solidity, windspeed and shoe colour. Judge it wrong and things could get messy. Alternatively, if you’re a golfer, whack it with a stick.

Sock it

It’s a repellent thought, but if a kid treads in that shit or worse, a parent puts a photo on the community Facebook page you’ll be ruined. And you’ve got two ready-made bags down there on your feet. Simply slide off a sock for a perfect poo-sized packet.

Council it

Simply erect a red-and-white striped fence with discarded lolly sticks and scribble signs saying ‘DO NOT ENTER’ and ‘ONGOING WORKS SPRING 2021-SUMMER 2023’. Everyone will tut. Nobody will do anything.

Man it up 

Show how hard you are by picking it up with your bare hands and slipping the bastard into your coat pocket. Dog shit don’t scare you.

Fake it

Lie and misdirect. When a school run mum with a buggy approaches, shriek ‘WATCH OUT!’ Feign horror. Take a photo of it and staple aggrieved ‘Pick Up Your Poo’ flyers to telegraph poles around your community.

Leaf it

Find dock leaves and carefully curl them to create a natural dump-disposal solution. If this works you’ll feel as smug and refreshed as a Guardian reader after a wild swim.

Leave it

Kids today have it too easy with these shit-free streets. Maybe it’s time they knew the pain of treading dog poo into the classroom and scraping it off with non-absorbant green paper towels.