British and German holidaymakers joint worst, says rest of Europe

EUROPE has ended the argument about whether British or German holidaymakers are the worst by confirming that they both are.

Tourist destinations across the continent have confirmed that the ones who won the world wars and the ones who won the World Cups are essentially interchangeable.

Dimitris Martakis of Greece said: “Both are fat, both are blindingly white, both drink beer until it is seeping out of their eyes and both are idiotically proud of their damp, grey hellholes.

“When a shaven-headed man with tattooed moobs is screaming at me to pour the shots in his mouth quicker, does it really matter which language he screams in?

“Unpalatable national cuisine, techno music, a pig-headed refusal to take siestas – the only reason you despise one another is that you’re so alike.”


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Neighbourhood dogs enjoy ‘top-notch’ two-hour barking session

A GROUP of neighbourhood dogs said last night’s two-hour barking session was one of the best this year.

The barking began shortly after 11pm in Peterborough and spread rapidly across a half mile radius, involving up to 14 dogs.

Martin Bishop, a black labrador, said: “I thought that session had a really good consistency. Very few lulls.

“Personally, I felt I was in very good voice. I was alternating between single, throaty barks and short bursts of extremely loud barking. I think it worked really well.”

Wayne Hayes, a springer spaniel, said: “Took me a while to get into it this time. I was tired as I’d been running around all day like a total and utter psychopath. But when a good bark starts you just get carried along with it, don’t you?

“I’m pretty sure I woke a baby, so I’m happy with my performance.”

Bishop added: “My owner came downstairs and told me to ‘shut my fucking face’. He was really angry with me, it was actually quite unpleasant. He even asked me ‘who started it’. I was like, ‘grow up’.”

“Anyway that was excellent. I feel so much better.”