National Orgasm Day followed by National Avoiding Eye-Contact Day

THE celebration of National Orgasm Day has been followed by a day of changing the subject, turning over and pretending to go to sleep.

Today’s festivities, which began shortly after midnight, are traditionally themed around non-communication, unspoken embarrassment and buried feelings of shame.

Joanna Kramer of Cambridge said: “I was exultant about National Orgasm Day, as I’m sure the neighbours were aware.

“But immediately it was over I began the next day’s more muted commemorations by remembering I’m too fat, worrying my relationship’s going nowhere and wishing he’d put a bulb in that ceiling light.

“12 hours later, I’m still inwardly cringing and hoping it doesn’t happen again anytime soon. Thanks, National Orgasm Day!”

Librarian Tom Booker said: “I celebrated National Orgasm Day on my own this year.

“At first I felt sorry for myself, but actually I think it makes the next day so much less stressful.”


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Scotland bursting at seams with dreary show-offs

SCOTLAND has been overwhelmed by boring, self-obsessed people with something to prove.

Stop it

With the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow and the Edinburgh Festival now under way, the small country is full of horrible show-offs, displaying their ‘talents’ without being asked.

Edinburgh resident Bill McKay said: “I was in Glasgow for a meeting and I was trying to cross the road when all these men ran past me in shorts and vests, all looking terribly serious while at the same time rather pleased with themselves. And people were cheering them. I have no idea why.

“Anyway, I get on the train and arrive back in Edinburgh to be confronted by this young woman doing a truly awful American accent. Turns out she’s promoting a play that she’s in, but she’s doing it ‘in character’.

“In front of me. In the street.”

McKay added: “I watched her for a few moments and realised that, like the marathon runners, she was taking herself very seriously. I also got the impression that she thought she was good at what she was doing.

“Let me be clear – she was not.”

Margaret Gerving, who has lived in Edinburgh for 40 years, said: “I love the festival, but that’s because I’m a psychiatrist.

“The city is full of people who quite clearly got either far too much or far too little attention from their parents.

“I’m like a kid in a sweet shop.”