SCIENTISTS are to map the DNA of everyone in Britain in a bid to find out why so many of you are dreadful.
The multi-million pound project will attempt to discover a common genetic link between Britain’s worst people so we at least know there is a reason for it.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You and all of your friends are appalling. The idea of being in the same pub as you makes me want to die. But the question is ‘why are you like that?’.
“For years scientists have debated whether it was nature or nurture that made you such a total arsehole.
“I always believed that people like you are born, not made. Surely there are not enough external stimuli in the world to make you so unbelievably ghastly?
“Therefore it must be woven into your genetic code. And now, at last, I have the money to go and find it.”
Professor Brubaker added: “The great thing, from your point of view, is that because it’s genetic there is nothing you can do about it and it’s not your fault.
“You unbearable fucknut.”