DNA project to find out why Britain is so full of arseholes

SCIENTISTS are to map the DNA of everyone in Britain in a bid to find out why so many of you are dreadful.

The multi-million pound project will attempt to discover a common genetic link between Britain’s worst people so we at least know there is a reason for it.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You and all of your friends are appalling. The idea of being in the same pub as you makes me want to die. But the question is ‘why are you like that?’.

“For years scientists have debated whether it was nature or nurture that made you such a total arsehole.

“I always believed that people like you are born, not made. Surely there are not enough external stimuli in the world to make you so unbelievably ghastly?

“Therefore it must be woven into your genetic code. And now, at last, I have the money to go and find it.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The great thing, from your point of view, is that because it’s genetic there is nothing you can do about it and it’s not your fault.

“You unbearable fucknut.”

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Amazon killing off family-run penis pill makers

TRADITIONAL village penis pill retailers are facing closure as customers desert them for online competitors.

“Morning Geoff, how is your erection?”

Small, family-run shops have been providing their local communities with impotence aids for generations but, like many independent retailers, are being hit by the growth of online shopping giants.

Tom Logan of Logan & Sons, said: “The shop was a real hub for the community, and everyone would drop in to hear the latest about Reverend Bennett’s erectile dysfunction.

“There wasn’t a man whose penis I didn’t know and I’d feel so proud to see their children playing cricket on the green, knowing they’re only there because I revitalised some penises.

“But we now live in an age where every man has a junk mail folder stuffed with promises to ‘stun her with an enormous manhood’.

“What am I going to tell the Bangladeshi orphans who make penis pills  in my basement?”

But customer Julian Cook said: “Tom knows my penis better than I know it myself.

“Maybe he should start selling pumps. That’s not the sort of thing I would buy on the internet. I would want someone to show me how it works.”