British holidaymaker convinced locals get everything free

BRITISH holidaymaker Stephen Malley is convinced that he is being charged a special ‘tourist price’ by foreign shops.

Malley, who is staying with his wife near Barcelona, thinks that when he goes to the shop they have a special, higher price that only he is paying.

He said: “They charge me two Euros for a can of San Miguel and even though I have no solid evidence for it, I suspect the guy behind me just gave the shopkeeper a wink and a knowing ‘Hola” before walking out without paying anything.

“Like I say, I’ve got no solid evidence for that but that’s definitely what I could imagine happened.

“It’s the same in the bars and cafes too. I saw someone come in the other day and get a beer and not pay a thing for it. Although I have repeatedly chosen to visit this country there are many things about it that disgust me.”

Malley’s wife Sarah added: “The guy in the bar was staff, so they gave him a free beer. They’re not very British like that.”

Stephen Malley added: “It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live here. It’s got the sun, the architecture and the beautiful people but it just lacks the friendliness of Peterborough.”

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Alcohol is laziest and best birthday present

ALCOHOL remains the laziest possible birthday gift that is sincerely appreciated.

In 67 per cent of cases alcohol gifts were greeted with a roll of the eyes, followed by an involuntary broad grin and thumbs-up gesture.

Nikki Hollis, from Croydon, said: “I’m a multi-faceted person with many interests, including fashion, opera and dog-walking, but all anyone could think to buy me for my birthday was champagne?

“Really nice stuff, as well. Bollinger, Veuve Cliquot, I’m gonna get classy shitfaced.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Books, jewellery or vouchers are all fine, but the greatest gift we can give one another is the one requiring the least thought.

“Plus you can get it from Sainsbury’s, and with a bottle bag you don’t even have to wrap it.”