Calais Jungle already turned into luxury apartments

THE refugee camp in Calais has already become luxury apartments that only footballers and bankers can afford.

The site, which housed some 2,000 refugees until last week, now contains 16 apartments that will never be used as the occupants already own at least four other properties each.

Developer Julian Cook said: “We’re hoping to get some really rich people moved in here as soon as possible.

We won’t be calling it the Calais Jungle any more either, because that might put some buyers off. It’ll be called Sunnyside Towers or the East Village or something stupidly nice instead.

“Although there will be a club and cocktail bar in the basement called ‘Jungle Nites’, because when you build these places you have to respect local history.”

“It will have a massive wall built around it to make sure only rich people can get in.”

He added: “There will still be immigrants here, obviously. After all, the toilets won’t clean themselves.”

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Budgies demand to be released from weird people’s homes

BUDGERIGARS imprisoned by weirdos around the UK have issued a statement pleading to be set free.

The small birds trapped in slightly creepy living rooms and conservatories called for the public’s support in freeing them from the pensioners and loons holding them captive.

Budgie Roy Hobbs, who lives in a cage full of mirrors, swings and bells in Hull said: “We don’t guard people’s house, we don’t like to be cuddled, our plumage is offensively luminous and we shit relentlessly. On that basis I’d say we are not ideal pets.

“I’m supposed to be flying round the Australian outback, not watching someone’s nan’s TV.”

Norman Steele said: “Call me an eccentric, but I admire the enigmatic aloofness of the domestic budgerigar.

“I bought a pair of budgies for my wife for our tenth wedding anniversary as a way of celebrating our love, and also of letting her know exactly how trapped I felt in our marriage.

“Every day I look at them and think ‘You and me both, fellas, you and me both’.”