China commemorates 25 years since nothing happened

THE People’s Republic of China has marked the 25th anniversary of everyone having a pleasant, uneventful day out in Tiananmen Square.

The square, which is known internationally for its giant pictures of Mao and the respectful attitude to authority it engenders in the young, remained as quiet and orderly as it has always been.

A Chinese government spokesman said: “We celebrate a day when absolutely nothing out of the ordinary took place, except a number of students deciding never to contact their parents again.

“The summer of 1989 saw revolutions across communist Europe, the break-up of the Soviet Union, and the unconditional and absolute support of China’s rulers by the entire population.

“Western reports of bloodshed are wild exaggerations of the truth, which is that a bicycle fell over with a loud clang and everyone ran away home.

“The footage shown by Western media of a man in front of tanks has been doctored to remove the ‘STOP! Children Crossing’ sign he was holding and the happy pupils streaming across the road to a waiting ice-cream van.”

Wang Congde, a Chinese student living in London, said: “The Western accounts of events is self-evidently false.

“Where is the sense in fighting for democracy when it brings you leaders like David Cameron and Nick Clegg?”

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Page collapsed because Prince Philip drained too much of his blood

THE page boy who fainted during the Queen’s speech had been weakened by Prince Philip’s vampiric tendencies.

Page boys are traditionally used as a food source by senior members of the monarchy, who need to sustain themselves on the fresh blood of pedigree children.

A royal source said: “Philip felt he required more blood than usual if he was to remain conscious during the prolonged tedium of the Queen’s speech. Also he finds sunlight exhausting.

“It is a great privilege to have your child selected for pagedom, and they bear their puncture wounds as a badge of honour.

“Unfortunately though they rarely survive longer than six months.”

Because of this special diet, members of the royal family have been known to live over 900 years.

When they reach about 104, royals usually fake their deaths and retire to a castle in the foothills of Carpathia where they prey on peasant girls and lonely travellers.