Teens being too soft for WW2 ‘not a massive problem’

THE fact that young people would struggle to cope in World War Two may not be a problem, it has emerged.

Despite media commentators frequently arguing that modern teens lack the qualities required to win WW2, historians believe the chances of them having to fight in a 1940s global conflict are in fact quite small.

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “The main reason it doesn’t matter is because of the linear nature of time.

“But if somehow World War Two was going to happen again there’d be plenty of warning, like Angela Merkel spending all her time watching massive panzer parades instead of going to tedious EU trade meetings.

“We could probably still utilise our obese youngsters by building Spitfires with bigger cockpits and a charger for their phone so they could text each other during dogfights.

“Spending thousands of hours playing Call of Duty has given teenagers lightning reflexes, thorough knowledge of WW2 weapons and a virulent hatred of Germans and the Japanese.

“The horrendous levels of abuse during online play have also probably rendered them impervious to all but the most brutal interrogation by the enemy.”

WW2 veteran Roy Hobbs said: “During D-Day I literally shat myself, but they never put that in the war films for some reason.

“Still, I did nick loads of things from abandoned houses, so it wasn’t all bad.”

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Britain delighted with Queen’s latest waving box

BRITAIN has congratulated the Queen on her new mobile box, with windows big enough so we can see her lovely hands.

The box has taken 10 years to make and, according to experts, will deliver an unforgettable Royal waving experience.

Mobile box consultant, Julian Cook, said: “Some people may say, ‘why not just find a really big fish tank, empty it and then attach some skateboard wheels?’.

“But what if the horses go mental? They’ll smash the fish tank and then SAS snipers will have to shoot them, on live television.”

The box incorporates iconic British objects including Laurence Olivier’s wisdom teeth, the scary chair from Mastermind and the periscope from HMS Dracula.