Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you see a weird news item where David Cameron has one of his little chats in a factory and none of the staff look like they want to kick his face through a skylight.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Statistically speaking there must be an undertaker called Dawn and you hope she’s had the good sense to name her business accordingly.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve been a waiter for ten years now but still no sign of all those good things.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you will try to convince somebody that the Oral B toothbrush was invented by the brother of the bloke from Soul II Soul.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your resolution to shake things up in work will spell the end of your career in childcare.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your ‘fight or flight’ reaction is put to the test this Friday when the bloke behind you in the queue for Easyjet flight EZ8989 punches you in the neck.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No, I don’t think you can call your opium addiction ‘taking some time out to smell the flowers’, actually.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
While your 3DTV is very realistic, the program choice is pretty bori-hang on, that’s the living room window.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
What was once just a ‘nightcap’ could now be best described as a night deerstalker hat, scarf, pair of gloves and overcoat.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s got so you can’t pay somebody a simple compliment these days without them getting all offended. In future if you see somebody with sensational bollocks you’ll keep it to yourself.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve got the brains, I’ve got the looks, let’s make lots of money. No bareback, though. A man has to have his standards.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No, don’t TOUCH THA£*&^£***&£&*&£&*((&