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SNP fury as Met Office claims Scottish weather not very nice

SCOTTISH nationalists have reacted with fury after a Met Office study found the country’s weather was really quite unpleasant.

According to the research Scotland gets ‘a lot’ of rain, often accompanied by wind, and that the amount of sunshine is ‘statistically insignificant’.

But SNP leader and first minister, Alex Salmond, dismissed the study as a ‘pathetic attempt by unionist weathermen to talk Scotland down’.

He added: “The Met Office thinks Scotland is too wee and too wet to be a successful nation. An independent Scotland would enjoy the same climate as other small northern European countries, such as Norway and Iceland.”

Salmond insisted that, based on ‘perfectly reasonable assumptions’ Scotland’s weather would improve by four per cent in the 10 years after independence, delivering an annual per capita increase of six and a half hours of sunshine.

The SNP leader also highlighted figures which showed that Dunbar, a small town on the east coast, was already one of the sunniest places in Britain. Bill McKay, from Dunbar, added: “It’s raining. Again.”

A Met Office spokesman stressed it was ‘pretty sure’ its figures were correct, adding: “We use these little beakers to measure rainfall.”

Meanwhile, in a separate study, the London School of Economics claimed an independent Scotland could make an ‘enormous’ amount of money by exporting water.

 

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Army to weaponise food allergies

THE army has developed new weapons exploiting the food intolerances of enemy soldiers.

Allergy warfare could see entire armies dropping their guns and fumbling for their EpiPens without a shot being fired.

Military scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “Peanuts, sesame seeds, soya – every single one of them can send a soldier into anaphylaxis.

“Carpet-bomb troops with a chemical agent containing traces of nuts, or even prepared in a facility where nuts have been, and they’re rolling around with their faces swelling up, all thought of resistance abandoned.

“There’s no property damage, and for civilians without allergies it has no more effect than the unpleasantness of a really strong peanut fart.”

The effectiveness of the weapons is limited because most soldiers are working class and therefore don’t have allergies, but will definitely be able to take out university-educated officers.

Sgt Stephen Malley, one of the test subjects, said: “You can’t imagine how petrifying it is to see gallons of milk hurtling towards you when you know it’ll really bring out your eczema.

“There are Royal Marines here with horribly bloated stomachs from gluten grenades, SAS veterans unable to stop vomiting because they’ve taken a direct hit of histamine-loaded pickles.

“This is the new face of war, and it is terrible.”

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