China sending 450 million women into space

THE People’s Republic of China has announced plans for its entire female population to become astronauts.

The massive Shenzhou-9 shuttle craft will fly 450 million Chinese women into a stable orbit, where they will be expected to build their own space station by taking spare bits from any unattended satellites they find.

China, which has never had much use for women, will then be able to get on with the important business of becoming the world’s only superpower without the shrill, nagging voices of females to distract them.

Chinese state news agency Xinhua said: “The women will still have their duties. All wives and mothers will prepare daily meals to rain down from the heavens upon their menfolk, sending them back to Earth in special ‘lunch pods’.

“Good workers will be permitted an annual  conjugal space visit in order to produce strong sons. Girl children will be stuffed with fireworks and launched at China’s enemies.”

NASA administrator Stephen Malley said: “It took us years to clear out the empty vodka bottles and Lenin statues the Russians left here in the 1950s, but we’d finally got space just how we like it.

“Now we’re expected to put up with millions of Chinese women stringing up washing between our weather satellites and re-tuning our satellites to pick up repeats of Monkey.”

The ruling Communist Party of China has refused to comment, but is widely thought to be doing whatever it wants and not giving a fuck what anyone else says.




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88 per cent of 'trolls' actually just f**knuts

MOST people assumed to be internet trolls genuinely believe their hateful, demented statements, it has been claimed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies interviewed alleged ‘trolls’ and found their postings were not deliberately antagonistic, but that they actually believed all Youtube users are gay and the ‘EUSSR’ is a political entity.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s easy to assume that someone is trolling when they make an implausible-sounding hateful statement, for example that albinos caused the banking crisis.

“But statistically it’s more likely they believe that melanin-deprived people snuck into the Bank of England and took all the money to buy sunglasses.

“So maybe the world is not so much hateful, just full of fucknuts.”

Alleged ‘troll’ Wayne Hayes said: “When I repeatedly post comments saying that the 2.4 per cent Muslim population of the UK is planning to take over, I am not making a rhetorical point.

“I do actually think that Mr Ishani from the shop down the road will one day cut my hands off and feed them to his cat.”

Housewife Carolyn Ryan said: “When I went on a cancer victim’s Facebook memorial page and accused her of being a paedophile, that was based on hard empirical research, namely seeing her touching up a kiddie in Asda.

“Or maybe that was her husband who is quite short. Thinking back the child did have a beard and a bald patch.”