MUSIC is the soundtrack to our lives – dancing, driving, drinking, networking at exclusive members-only events and, perhaps most importantly, masturbating.
My listening/self-pleasuring room is a masterpiece of quiet refinement. It contains a custom-made Linn Sondek deck with Koetsu cartridge on a polished granite plinth beside a vintage calfskin-upholstered chair. That’s it, apart from a box of Kleenex and baby oil. The insanely high playback quality of my audio set-up means that engorgement begins as soon as the needle hits the vinyl. And before you ask, here are my all-time onanistic favourites (vinyl only, naturally).
Dermot Jaye’s Self-Pleasure Island Disks
Primal Scream – Screamadelica (Creation)
Andy Weatherall’s spacey, dubby production makes this the perfect soundtrack a blissed-out cosmic spankathon.
Bob Dylan – The Times They Are a-Changin’ (Columbia)
A surprise entry perhaps, but if you’ve never tried power-frotting to a protest song about disenfranchised mine workers, it’s time you did.
Public Enemy – It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (Def Jam)
Imagine your penis is an establishment figure, then vigorously fight the power.
Terence Trent D’Arby – Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D’Arby (CBS)
I’m as straight as Robert Elms but even I have to admit that Terence is pretty hot, rather like a soulful androgynous alien from a planet where plants have vaginas.
Kenny Rogers – The Gambler (United Artists/EMI)
Everyone has their masturbatory guilty pleasure and this sixth studio album from the pop-country legend is mine. You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em…