Chinese Celebrate As Their Lives Become As Pointless And Frustrating As Ours

THE Chinese were celebrating another great leap forward today as their lives finally achieved Western levels of hellish pointlessness.

Thousands of people stuck in a 10-day long traffic jam near Beijing sounded their car horns to mark the moment China matched Europe and the US for self-defeating greed and impotent fury.

Wan Jing, an accountant, said: “I am constantly filled with anxiety, I cannot sleep and my once busy penis now flops pathetically like the neck of a recently strangled duck. It is a great victory for the wise men of the Central Committee.

“I think of my mother and father working in the fields and eating three meals a day with their family and friends before telling each other wondrous stories and drifting off to sleep. What utter morons.

“I doubt they could ever, in their wildest dreams, have imagined me sitting here going absolutely nowhere for 10 days and winding myself into a tight ball of never-ending hate – in a brand new Golf GTI!”

Yang Shao, a construction foreman, said: “Confucius would no doubt say that in finding one’s way one can lose one’s way. But he was just some old fucker who lived in a tree.

“The world will quake with fear at the sight of our massive jam and see that we now have the economic and technological wherewithal to completely ruin our lives.”

He added: “My grandfather lived to the ridiculous age of 117 and was finally killed by a car when he was running across the road to buy some cigarettes.

“It is my dream to be the first member of my family to die of a stroke at the age of 52, preferably behind the wheel of my Audi as I plough across four lanes of world-beating rush hour traffic.

“I’d like to see Confucius come up with something clever about that.”


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That Whole 'Stig' Thing Got Boring About Eight Years Ago, Everyone Tells BBC

THE anonymity of the Stig was vaguely amusing for about 10 minutes in 2002, the BBC was told last night.

As the corporation launched a multi-million pound legal battle to protect the identity of a man who drives a car on a television programme, licence payers across the country said there was absolutely nothing they cared less about.

Bill McKay, from Stevenage, said: “Do I think the Stig’s identity should be kept secret or not? It’s a tricky one isn’t it? Oh, I know – are you seriously fucking asking me that question?

“Get off my property before I put on some white overalls and a matching crash helmet and run you the fuck over in the sort of car you never see on Top Gear because it doesn’t do 280mph and has room for a bag of fucking shopping.

“Nevertheless it remains 100% effective at killing people who care about stupid shit.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I really like it when Jeremy introduces him. ‘Some say he eats his own bum, lives in a golfbag and doesn’t have any eyes. We just call him the Stig‘. It’s brilliant.

“Actually, it’s not. That was a complete lie. I don’t like it at all. But of course I’m not an eight year-old boy.”

And Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “There is no more pressing issue for this country to address than its attitudes to Top Gear.

“For all those who get upset when Jeremy Clarkson says he wants to drive a Porsche through a nursery, what you have to remember is that he’s a dreary, pathetic, middle-England cliché who couldn’t write his way out of a wet paper bag. Ignore him.

“Meanwhile, for all those who say Top Gear is ‘just a bit of fun’, then you fucking pay for it.

“And as for the Stig. His name is Ben Collins and the best he could do with his life was to go on television and encourage people to drive like dicks.”

“Now shut