Coachload of annoying British schoolchildren arrives in Calais

A COACH packed with British children has arrived in Calais, where they are being right little bastards.

The 50-strong school group from a comprehensive in Wiltshire has already antagonised the coach driver by putting gum under seats, smoking cherry-flavoured vapes and arguing for hours about nothing.

Although their trip is ostensibly educational and a chance for them to practise French ‘vocab’, there is little evidence of any learning and locals fear the excursion is part of a British plan to dump them.

14-year-old school pupil Tom Logan said: “I want a crossbow or one of those massive catapults that comes with an arm rest.

“I might get a pack of porno playing cards too although that does seem like a weirdly complicated way of getting lewd imagery in the internet age.

“Still it will annoy adults and that is my main motivation.”

Fellow student Mary Fisher said: “I hope we can go to a local fun fair and get in a road rage-style altercation on the dodgems, then start a small fire in the youth hostel.”

Local Christophe Lambert said: “I feel pity for them as they’ve come from an awful country, but they have the attitude of hardened criminals and some look older than the teachers.”

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Man witnesses the death of music for, like, the ninth time


A 35 year-old man has declared that music is dead, for what he reckons is probably the ninth time.

Martin Bishop declared that, after hearing Mike Skinner’s new ‘Tonga’ music, it really is all over this time.

Bishop said: “Most recently I said it when Bowie died, but now that I’ve heard this ‘Tonga’ stuff, it’s definitely dead.

“I also said it when Rap emerged, when Karma Chameleon came out and when Britpop started. And the Spice Girls.

“In a weird way I think I was a little bit right every single time.”

He added: “It’s kind of a family tradition. My father witnessed the death of music with Herman’s Hermits, Glam Rock and the Sex Pistols.”