Countries whose names don't work with '-exit' barred from leaving EU

BRITAIN has been cleared to leave the EU because Brexit is perfectly usable while other countries have been permanently barred.

New amendments to the Treaty of Lisbon mean that only countries “whose names begin with two consonants not shared by any other member state” are allowed to withdraw from the union.

EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “The Grexit is unavoidable, and we can countenance a Brexit, a Spexit, a Swexit or even a Frexit.

“We might even encourage a Czexit because that one’s just perfect. But how are Portugal, Italy, or Latvia supposed to leave?

“Latexit? It sounds like a range of spray-on fetishwear. Slexit could mean Slovenia or Slovakia, so they’re not going anywhere.

“And countries like Ireland, the Netherlands and Austria can forget it. Too unwieldy.”

Juncker added: “It’s a good thing Norway never joined. A Noexit would mean that they were leaving and not leaving simultaneously, stranding them in quantum uncertainty forever.”

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Fred Goodwin having another lovely day

FORMER RBS chief Fred Goodwin is enjoying another lovely day while you pay off his debts.

As it emerged that Goodwin will cost Britain at least £7 billion, the ex-banker was toying with the idea of playing some golf and then going somewhere really nice for lunch.

Goodwin said: “I’m in the mood for fish today. No – scratch that – prawns, really big, juicy prawns. And some Chablis.

“What are you guys up to?”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I’ll be at my desk eating this sandwich I made at home because I haven’t had a pay rise since, oh let me think, two thousand and fucking eight.

“Now, what was it that happened back then? Oh yeah, it was you, fucking the fuck out of everything.”

Pulling on his golf sweater, Goodwin said: “If I was George Osborne I’d hang on to those RBS shares because I think they’re going to rocket in value. Trust me, I used to ‘dabble’ in finance. So, where did we get to on lunch?”

Bishop added: “Why aren’t you in jail?”