Do you have fewer rights in America than your assault rifle?

ROE vs Wade has been overturned, so who has more rights in the US: a woman, or an AR-15 assault rifle? Find out which you are: 

Are your rights enshrined in the US constitution? 

A) Yes. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln foresaw the world that would come with such clarity that they made sure to protect me with the second amendment. What vision they had.
B) No. I kind of thought they were, but it turns out it was merely an interpretation of the law that was erroneous, according to five judges who make no secret of their political bias, and I no longer have autonomy over my own body.

Is there a powerful nutjob advocacy group defending you? 

A) ‘Nutjob’ is a defamatory term. It’s just a group of organised men with a keen interest in firearms, explosives and all things military, who regularly threaten street warfare if they don’t get their way.
B) Not really. I mean there’s the Democrat party, who are nominally in power, and there’s the president, but neither of them really do anything. A huge number of rational people will march against this decision and will be branded nutjobs.

What state are you in? 

A) The great news is it doesn’t matter, as the Supreme Court decided that second amendment rights are too important to be delegated to states. Those guys always have my back.
B) Unfortunately in one of the states that wasted no time taking the rights delegated to them by the Supreme Court and enacting a total ban.

Are you a man? 

A) Technically I’m without gender, but I like to think of myself as definingly male.
B) No, I’m a woman. When all my rights get taken away without my being consulted, surely it’s obvious?

Are you pregnant?

A) In a sense, yes, but pregnant with death. Which is just as legally valid as the other kind.
B) I am not at liberty to reveal that information as it may implicate me in a serious crime.


Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re a gun! A FN SCAR 16S to be exact, fast, accurate, recoil-free and fully protected in law. You may go about your business without interference.

Mostly Bs: Bad news; as a pregnant woman you’re not capable of making your own decisions for yourself and your future, so your rights have been removed for your own safety. Otherwise there was a real risk you might kill.

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Which Glastonbury set are you boring the arse off everybody about today?

GLASTONBURY took place this weekend, you watched some of it on the telly, and you’ve decided the ___ set was so great it’s key to your identity. But which? 

Paul McCartney

The firm, confident, straight-down-the-line choice of boring bastards, Sir Paul played a meandering set reminding everyone why he’s everyone’s favourite living Beatle by default. Brought on two previous Glastonbury headliners as special guests, making dads proclaim this as unquestionable value for money. You liked when he did the Bond theme.

Billie Eilish

Either you’re 20 and get it or you’re not and you’re trying too hard. One girl leaping and whispering does not a thrilling spectacle make, and a two-album career means a set full of deep cuts. You liked when she did the Bond theme, you say, even though she didn’t.

Kendrick Lamar

Having completed his rise to headlining fame without you ever having heard of him, you sat down to Kendrick last night and were pleasantly surprised. Lots of them had tunes, it was appealingly theatrical and way better than Kanye in ’15. Yes, you announce at the watercooler, Kendrick was your favourite. And because of that he’s not cool anymore.

Pet Shop Boys

Perfect for anyone sick of bands playing songs they don’t know, this set was the comfortable pair-of-slippers finish to a weekend where all the hyped acts young people like turned out to be shit. The band are both in their 60s and you’re in your 50s. You don’t feel this has any bearing on your decision.

Sam Fender

Trad rock for dads with sax breaks by Zoot from the Muppets. Was on at sunset and has a couple that go ‘woah-oh-oh’ which is great for big crowds forlornly chasing their Glasto moment. Between-song chat was too Geordie to be comprehensible.

Self Esteem

Notable for a jelly-mould corset which, you inform everyone after Googling it, represented Sheffield’s Meadowhall Centre. On mid-afternoon at the John Peel stage, which makes you discerning and erudite, not just bored at home at 3pm. ‘Easily my highlight,’ you pronounce to an audience of co-workers who couldn’t give a f**k.

Something at 6am in the Green Fields

Wait, were you actually there? Don’t you realise it’s way better on iPlayer?