Trump praises New York for its whiteness

DONALD Trump has praised the stunning beauty of a snowy, all-white New York.

Trump said: “Other colours are fine in the right context but I just believe white is perfect. It is virginal, untainted and bursting with wholesome aspiration.

“American children can play happily in white snow but not snow that is brown or streaked with yellow, and I think that says a lot.”

However New Yorker Martin Bishop said: “If it wasn’t for my Muslim neighbour lending me a shovel, I wouldn’t have been able to make it the end of my driveway for my daily scream into the void.”

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Middle class English people acting a bit Scottish

ENGLISH Guardian readers are pretending to like Scottish culture, food and drinking habits.

Burns Night has become a firm fixture for comfortably-off English people who want to patronisingly dip their toes into the carb-heavy rawness of Scottish life.

West London architect Joanna Kramer said: “My partner Ben and I will be having a ‘wee’ supper for Burns Night. It’s going to be ‘bonny’.

“Everyone will have a little mouthful of my Waitrose organic haggis, declare it ‘interesting’ and leave the rest.

“I’ll read out some Burns verses in a slightly ironic Scottish accent and then we’ll get stuck into the whisky. I’ve managed to source alcohol-free whisky from the internet because we’re actually doing Dry January.

“Also there will be Irn Bru, or at least an Irn Bru-style homemade orange cordial.”

Kramer explained how she felt a particular affinity with Burns Night because she’s an eighth Scottish and her partner is two-fifths working class.

She said: “Burns Night is a chance to show solidarity with the indigenous tribes of the Highlands, who are so often marginalised by the mainstream media.

“For a special after-dinner treat I’ve got a ‘wee’ bag of heroin.”