Donald Trump's guide to styling out a flatulence problem

IT’S claimed that Donald Trump’s long hours in the courtroom are causing him to emit a large amount of anal gas. Here he explains how to minimise the embarrassment in various situations.

At MAGA rallies

I have the best farts. Incredible farts. Crooked Joe Biden has no farts. He squeezes and squeezes but his ass is as useless as a nun’s pussy. At MAGA rallies I’ve started farting into the microphone. People are cheering, they’re going crazy, they’re asking to smell my ass gas. It’s beautiful. Very beautiful. Except when I follow through.

In court

In court it’s kind of awkward when everyone smells butthole and immediately looks at me. So I use distraction techniques. I stare at jurors, I make a show of using my phone, I ostentatiously pretend to go to sleep. Unfortunately I’m 77 and hopelessly unfit, so this often means I really do go to sleep and so does my sphincter. Then when I wake up my lawyer is trying not to puke in a wastepaper basket.

In the bedroom

Melania and I have vigorous sex at least twice every night, and she finds it a turn-on when I let rip in such a strong, powerful way. She says it’s like a wonderful orchestra with no instruments except tubas. This is absolutely true and Melania definitely does not sleep in a separate bedroom. And she also doesn’t start screaming if I try to enter the house before she’s opened all the windows.

At a party

Most people would be mortified if they farted loudly in company. But my parties at Mar-a-Lago – valued at $1,000 billion whatever Lyin’ Judge Engoron says – are only attended by sycophants and toadies. As they choke on my anal emissions I’ll say ‘Did you fart, Marjorie Taylor Greene?’ and she’ll say ‘Yes’. Then I’ll say, ‘What have you been eating, homeless people’s turds?’ So funny. I’m like Oscar Wilde, but not a goddam faggot.

At the doctor’s

A doctor, one of the best doctors, he said he’d never smelled farts like mine. He also said something about a red meat diet and cancer, but when you’re producing dozens of gallons of putrid gas every day that’s clearly a sign of healthy bowels.

On the golf course

I’ve noticed a particularly violent blast from my rectum can push a golf ball six or more inches into the hole. But I would never use this to cheat, because I never lose at golf. Never. I haven’t losed once. Tiger Woods said to me: ‘Donald, I would never play golf with you because you would make me look like a little bitch.’ True fact.

Bottling my farts

I’ve got a sweet hustle going on where I’ve always got a stock of glass jars to hand. When I feel my anus is about to erupt I adopt a dignified semi-squat and catch as much gas as possible in each jar before quickly screwing on the lid. Then I sell them online to MAGA supporters for $150 a jar. Patriotic Americans who’ll pay good money to own a jar of farts are what made me president in the first place, and they may well do it again.

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Experts confirm best way to work through relationship problems is to ignore them

COUNSELLORS have advised couples suffering issues in their relationships that if they ignore them completely they eventually go away. 

Despite their previous emphasis on communication and compromise, experts have found that putting the television on or going to the pub when major relationship problems emerge is, long-term, less stressful and more successful.

Couples counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “There’s an undeniably strong correlation between happiness and refusing to acknowledge anything is wrong. Also having a shed to hide in.

“Key skills couples should develop include never asking ‘what’s wrong?’ when your partner has the hump, never looking at their phone and not noticing when you’ve not had sex in months. The key love language, it turns out, is silence.

“Couple Roy and Pauline Hobbs of Dorking have barely spoken since 1986 and yet reported sky-high levels of marital bliss. One could die and we’re not sure the other would notice. Let that be a model for the young to follow.”

Pauline Hobbs said: “All this modern nonsense with talking things over. I once ran away with the postman for nine weeks and Roy never mentioned it apart from ‘You’re back then? Best get the tea on.’”

Dr Archer said: “If everyone follows this advice I’ll have put myself out of business. But it’s worth it not to have to listen to whinging couples and their pissant problems.”