Successful young person can f**k right off

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

A high-flying stranger who has founded a successful business by the age of 28 has been widely condemned by those between 15 and 40 years older for being inconsiderate of their feelings.

Ryan Whittaker, the subject of your scorn, has made it worse by coming from a humble background and not doing well academically, making his elders’ loathing of him look even more bitter and spiteful.

He said: “Being born after you wasn’t a conscious choice on my part, but having a brilliant idea and running a profitable business were. So maybe you’re mad at yourself?

“Is that why you’re so red-faced and screwing up your wrinkled, resentful eyes when you glower at me? Because I’m the embodiment of what you could’ve been?

“Or are you envious of my youthful good health, smooth skin and strong hairline, all a distant memory to you as you hurtle to the grave? Don’t worry, I’m not wasting my life smoking and drinking like you did. I plan to retire at 35.”

Oliver O’Connor, aged 27, who was in the same year as Whittaker at school, said: “Oh, we all hate him as well. But I can’t imagine how much worse it is for you.”

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Five drunk middle-aged women caterwauling through song was apparently Spice Girls reunion

A BARMAN at a London club has just found out the five pissed women he watched howl their way through a song was in fact a momentous 90s reunion. 

James Bates, aged 21, was covering a private members’ function on Saturday and witnessed the women clamber on stage and slur their way through a Spice Girls track, as happens at the majority of 50th birthday parties.

However, he discovered while browsing Instagram this morning that these particular women, even though they knew no more of the words and hit no more of the notes, were in fact the five who originally sang the song.

He said: “The actual Spice Girls? Was it? You’d never have known.

“One of them wasn’t even singing, the one in the leopardskin was so hammered she was at least two lines behind at any point and the blonde looked like she just wanted to be at home in bed, so it was exactly the same as it usually is.

“Now I think of it the redhead did spend all night bitching about what a bastard her husband is, leopardskin kept saying ‘No, but we should get back together properly’, and birthday girl’s tattooed husband grimaced at the very thought.

“Otherwise it was like any other 50th bash: loads of middle-aged moaning about kids, parents or medical problems, and I gave Eva Longoria one in the employee bathroom.”