England toasts all the great things it did for Ireland

ENGLAND is pouring a pint of Guinness in celebration of all the ways it has helped Ireland over the years.

Experts said St Patrick’s Day is the perfect opportunity to drink stout and reminisce about the neighbouring countries’ long history, from the Norman invasion of 1171 to the Troubles.

Englishman Julian Cook said: “Like a little brother who achieves great things to escape from the savage beatings of his childhood, I like to think that everything Ireland has ever achieved is entirely down to us.

“From Henry II naming his son Lord of Ireland even though neither of them had ever been there, to Oliver Cromwell killing a third of the population, England and Ireland have always been intertwined.

“Yes, there’s been the occasional famine because we needed your grain to feed our cattle, but otherwise you wouldn’t have had the motivation to go to New York and become policemen.”

Irishman Sean Dougan said: “Ah, if we could drag the whole country 3,000 miles west, so we’re just off Boston and never have to see the English again.

“That’d be grand.”


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Discussion thread composed entirely of f**kwits

AN online discussion thread does not contain a single person who knows what they are talking about.

The Institute for Studies found that every comment below a Telegraph article about the upcoming general election was written by people with zero reasoning skills who know nothing about Britain.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This is quite rare. There’s usually one normal person who pops in, realises their mistake and gets the hell out.”

According to Brubaker one of the common themes in the thread was a concept known as ‘compulsory gay’.

He said: “The only way to stop this is to, ‘vote for Nigel from the Top Gear’.

“A lot people seem to think ‘Oxbridge’ is an actual university and is ‘full of muslims who decide the election’. One person underlined this point by saying ‘demography now!’.

Brubaker also revealed there has been a 30 percent, year on year, increase in commenters who make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

He added: “If anyone can tell us what this means, that would be useful – ‘eliphant was not aloud to speak his name of! Pathific!’.”