KANYE West will perform at Glastonbury as long as the audience does not offend his wife’s sense of smell.
The rapper, married to the television thing Kim Kardashian, will headline the festival on condition that everyone has had a shower that afternoon and the toilets are installed at least 15 miles from the main stage.
West said: “We don’t spend a huge amount of time on farms.
“Kim doesn’t like the smell of farmers, farm machinery or anything that’s not inside a building.”
West added: “I’ve always wanted to play Glastonbury, but I hear these stories about open sewers and British people running around naked, eating bean-based food and then smearing themselves with their own filth.
“If Kim encounters that she will try to hide from it by climbing inside her own buttocks.”