Everything in Europe was great before you arrived, migrants told

MIGRANTS to Europe have ruined what was a perfectly-functioning near paradise, they have been told.

According to ECB president Mario Draghi, Europe had achieved full employment, eliminated poverty and was just about to move to a three-day week before the migrants arrived and ruined it all.

He said: “The moment the first migrants arrived in Greece, they caused a previously perfectly stable financial system to retroactively collapse eight years ago, reducing it to the beggar of Europe.

“As they moved through the Balkans they caused nationalistic hatreds to arise among ethnic groups which had previously had nothing but love for one another, and in Austria they similarly aroused hitherto unthinkable racism among its 97 per cent white population.

“Finally they arrived in Germany and somehow turned the happy-go-lucky nation into stern penny-pinchers who would stop at nothing to protect BMW prices.

“It is no wonder Britain is considering leaving the EU, which it never did before because of its tolerant, sophisticated and chiefly bilingual people.”

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Pathetic worker pretended he didn’t want to go home

A CONNIVING office worker pretended he would rather crack on with more work than go home at five ‘o’ clock, it has emerged.

Snake-in-the-grass Tom Booker stayed at his desk while colleagues filtered out, waiting for someone to tell him to go home so that he could do his self-serving pretend workaholic routine.

After thirty or so people totally ignored him, marketing co-ordinator Emma Bradford asked why he was not packing up.

He said: “Is it five already? I’m just getting stuck into this report.

“I don’t feel ready to go yet. Maybe I’m a weirdo but I actually enjoy this sort of thing.

“You guys get off, don’t worry about me. I should probably have more of a home life but I’m just so into work!”

However Booker’s bullshit pretence had unexpected consequences when colleague Mary Fisher, who is also a shallow careerist, faked concern for his well-being.

She said: “Come on Tom, you need to have a break or you’ll burn out. I can take on some of your workload if it’s too much for you.”

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “It was like a horrible fake-off. The fake workaholic versus the false samaritan, both only thinking about their own career advancement.

“They’d make a perfect, awful couple.”