France Absolutely Reeks, Says Foreign Office

HOLIDAYMAKERS have been warned that Northern France is absolutely honking.
 

Decomposing seaweed has been blamed for beaches in northern France smelling like Serge Gainsbourg's laundry bag, while exclusion areas have been established along the coast to deal with what the French government admits is 'une poomf exceptionelle'.

The alarm was raised when a horse and rider fell ill on a beach in Brittany and local rescuers were overcome by fumes while attempting to drag the stricken animal to the nearest delicatessen.

A Foreign Office spokesman said: "I have been working here for 20 years and not in my wildest imagination did I think I would have to issue a press release warning that France smelled even worse.

"It probably is manky seaweed, but it's France so we have to allow for the possibility of animal parts being rendered and made into the most delightful little jam-filled pastries."

Attempts have been made to deal with the seaweed by incorporating it into a blue-veined soft cheese or passing it off to tourists as two-week old sheep testicles marinated in goose urine.
 
But French tourism minister Jacques DeFarge insisted: "It seems ze British palate is not educated enough to appreciate ze intoxicating cocktail of aromas one may find à la plage.

"Perhaps zey would feel more at home if we scattered some donkey poopings and several zousand used 'roober johnnies'. Mais oui?"

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Ban IVF Treatment For The Ghastly, Say Experts

THE NHS should stop helping horrid, ghastly people to have babies, according to a new report.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies say there is a 'postcode lottery' for IVF provision across the UK and the system could be made fairer and more affordable if the treatment was withheld from the horrible.

Dr Mark Hodges said: "IVF is an amazing technology which has brought joy to millions of nice couples. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way it was somehow extended to ghastly people.

''Life coaches, jugglers and those who park across two bays at the supermarket are just a few of those benefiting from state-funded IVF. This treatment is complicated, expensive and must be rationed and the best way to do it is to keep it well away from fuckers like that."

He added: 'We should be using public money to sterilise these mutants, not to make screeching, dung-ridden copies of them."

Donald and Augusta Black are a horrible couple currently being helped by the NHS to spawn vile offspring.

Mr Black said: "I'm a slum landlord who kicks kittens in the head, while my gimlet-eyed wife runs an old folks home where lonely war veterans are treated abominably.

"NHS doctors have taken my evil black spooj and my wife's demonic, horned eggs, and are currently splicing them together in a petri dish at the taxpayers' expense. Once this rancid mess becomes a baby we'll take it home and stick it in a sock drawer until it's old enough to join the BNP."

He added: "Unless of course you would like to buy it from me?"