Bankers Get Another £50 Billion To Rub Against Their Genitals

BRITAIN'S bankers were last night handed another £50bn in crisp notes to rub all over their naked, trembling bodies.

The Bank of England agreed to the new round of quantitative easing after bankers said the last lot had gone all soggy and had to be thrown in the bin.

Bank governor Mervyn King said: "I just print the stuff. It's none of my business what they do with it.

"My personal view is they should lend it to you so you can buy one of those big American fridge freezers with the double doors and the ice dispenser.

"But there's really not much I can do about it if they just want to keep it all in a big room where they can get naked and use it to stimulate their engorged, quivering glands."

A spokesman for the British Bankers Association said: "These £20 notes are too absorbent. After a good hard rubbing session they just fall apart in your hands.

"We need something tough and durable with a moisture resistant coating, like the Euro. Although it has to be said, many of our senior executives do still prefer to rub themselves with an Asian currency."

He added: "No doubt some people will be angry that bankers are being given free money and then using it for genital stimulation, but what's really bugging them is the fact they didn't have the foresight and intelligence to set up a major high street bank and then run it in to the ground."

Bill McKay, from the London School of Economics, said: "The Bank of England is either trying to stimulate the economy or destroy it. It's still too early to tell.

"But at least the bankers have had some really intense rubbing sessions, so it's not been a total waste of time."

It's Okay To Have A Small Penis, World Tells Putin

RUSSIAN  prime minister Vladimir Putin has been told it is okay to have a smaller than average penis and that he can stop all this nonsense whenever he likes.

A United Nation's resolution has called on the bear-chested, gun-toting, horse wrestler to come to terms with his penis size and perhaps read a book or take up fly-fishing instead.

Putin's KGB bodyguard Mikhail Kurkov, said: "Every day he wants to be photographed firing a bazooka or fighting a massive animal.

"This morning we had to ship in a drugged gorilla just so that he could give it a karate chop. Then it was off to the mountains to shoot anti-tank guns at goats with his top off."

He added:  "A particularly slow four-year-old could work out the subtext. He thinks he's Russian politics' answer to Bruce Willis but really he's more like a Jeremy Clarkson with less hair and more appeal to homosexuals.

"And before you ask – yes, it is miniscule."

Putin's Facebook page lists his favourite film as Lone Wolf McQuade, his favourite song as Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins and his favourite food as 'the raw, still-beating heart, torn from the fresh carcass of the black boar of Svetlograd'."

Olga Kamarov, Putin's nan, said: "It's understandable. It is like a scale model of a normal boy's parts.

'When he was little we used to make jokes about it, saying that the fairies had magicked away his bits, but now I feel perhaps we scarred the boy."

His housekeeper Anya added: "Yes, I've seen it too. It's like a little mushroom. Ha ha ha."