Genius Trump unveils general theory of pussytivity

DONALD Trump has proved his credentials as a genius by setting out his scientific theory on the subject of ‘pussy’.

After being widely mocked for describing himself as a genius, the US president claimed he had “far better theories” than “assholes like Einstein”.

Trump tweeted: “The amount of pussy you get is directly proportional to how many hotels and casinos you own. I call it the General Theory of Pussytivity.

“A crucial element is whether you’re on TV. Einstein couldn’t get his own reality show so he probably just sat around at home all day jerking off like a loser.”

However scientist Tom Booker said: “There is a major flaw in Trump’s theory, namely that ‘grabbing pussy’ unprompted does not equate to being sexually attractive to women.

“His calculations also fail to take into account the ‘bullshitter coefficient’, whereby people who constantly talk about sex in crude terms usually aren’t getting any.”

Trump is now trying to prove he is better than Mozart by writing a symphony entitled Lock Up That Clinton Bitch in E Minor on a child’s Bontempi organ.

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Awful man likes to keep in shape 'for sex'

A COMPLETELY awful man likes to tell people that his frequent visits to the gym make him better at sex.

Appalling narcissist Martin Bishop is delighted to have found a way to show off about his physical fitness and sexual prowess simultaneously.

Sales executive Bishop said: “I told everyone at work that ‘pumping iron’ keeps me in great shape for a different kind of ‘pumping’. They were so impressed they went completely silent.

“My regime of weights, distance running and high-intensity interval training means I can hammer away at vaginas for hours. I’m exactly the sort of virile yet sensitive lover the ladies are gagging for.

“Yes, I do frequently talk about my amazing sexual stamina but it’s not showing off. I’m just highlighting the benefits of exercise and doing my bit for the national obesity epidemic.”

Co-worker Tom Logan said: “It’s horrible when Martin tells you about his marathon sex sessions and all the athletic positions he can do, particularly if you’re eating a sausage roll.

“I don’t care if doing 100 squat thrusts a day has given him ‘incredible erectile strength’. No one needs to know that.”

Bishop is currently single after telling his girlfriend that a romantic weekend in the Cotswolds was “a better cardio workout than two days of Tough Mudder training”.