Britain marks Epiphany with weekend of Christmas dregs

BRITAIN is celebrating the day Christ was revealed as God incarnate by consuming a bottle of Bailey’s, some manky chocolates and a recording of Judi Dench: A Passion for Trees.

Norman Steele, from Rutland, said: “Epiphany is a busy day. There’s so much shit that needs to be eaten up and then the Christmas tree needs to be tossed into the street.

“In the New Testament Jesus compels us to ‘finish off the ham’, so it’s one more weekend of self-loathing over-consumption.”

The country is expected to consume 19 million still-in-date mince pies, 25 million pigs-in-blankets that are probably fine and a wide variety of liquers which will be mixed together in the hope of spectacular hallucinations.

On Sunday night Britain will complete its Epiphany celebration in the traditional way by eating 36 million boxes of Matchmakers while watching a David Attenborough programme about a massive fish.