MacBook security flaw threatens millions of bullshit creative projects

MILLIONS of half-completed screenplays, novels and travel memoirs could be destroyed if MacBooks are attacked, experts have warned. 

The creative projects, all of which were expected to become an important part of our culture, could be lost forever if the Meltdown and Spectre bugs are not fixed.

Eleanor Shaw, from Bristol, said: “The world needs to know my unique story. I haven’t even got to the bit about the little village in Uzbekistan.

“It’s fine when there are viruses on Windows machines because they only affect banks and medical records. But I’ve poured my heart and soul into this.

“My friend Ivor’s terrified. He won’t even take his MacBook within range of wireless in case he loses Red Planet, his original screenplay about the Soviet conquest of Mars which had a very good chance of being produced.

“I feel like I’ve been wasting my time shopping around agents. It’s an absolute tragedy because it would’ve been a bestseller.”

Security expert Tom Logan said: “If your Mac becomes infected with ransomware and you’re asked for £500 in bitcoin for your unfinished novel about Sonic the Hedgehog visiting our world, do not pay it.”

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Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, Do you think Michael Gove will have some useful tips on how to fuck-up an education system? yours, Toby Young

Dear Holly,
Despite the haters, I’m really looking forward to whipping our universities into shape. For starters, I’ll be extending Freshers Week to a whole month, slashing prices on snakebite in the Students Union and doing everything I can to encourage chlamydia. I’ll need to get advice on all the other boring stuff like teaching and research though – do you think Michael Gove will have some useful tips on how to fuck-up an education system?

Dear Toby,
I won’t be going to university because it sounds worse than school. My big sister goes to uni and she says as well as having to do studying and exams you also have to live with random weirdos from Hull with green hair and piercings who insist they are ‘gender non binary’ and think Jeremy Corbyn is the messiah. Plus, because of tuition fees you can only afford to eat yellow square things in boxes from Farmfoods that have been frozen since 1993 and you drink Tennents Special because it’s dead cheap and you reckon it makes you look interesting and complex but as a result you develop severe IBS and depression and have to drop out after first year and go work for Vodafone instead.
Hope that helps!