Git Named

THIS year's Git has been confirmed as 34 year-old Ben Southall from Hampshire.

Southall now gets £75,000 for living in a luxury villa on a tropical island and spending his sun-drenched days snorkelling in the crystal clear waters of the Great Barrier Reef like a right fucking git.

His new employers, the Queensland Tourist Office, said his only task will be to write a daily blog about what an utterly amazing time he is having for no other reason than to rub our fucking noses in it.

Speaking from behind an enormous, shit-eating grin, he said: "Oh, I'm sorry, do you not get seventy five grand to swan about in your trunks all day and eat freshly caught barbecued prawns in your hot tub? It must be me then."

Southall was congratulated by previous Gits including George Clooney, Richard Branson and Lewis Hamilton.

Clooney said: "The first thing a new Git has to do is organise an efficient way of ferrying the boat-loads of bikini-clad nymphomaniacs back and forth from the mainland.

"But he is going to have to keep in shape, because as soon as he gets off that island a lot of people are going to want to kick the absolute hell out of him."

Tom Logan, Southall's best friend since childhood and the recipient of one of his kidneys, said: "I genuinely hope that fucking island is teeming with gigantic, poisonous snakes and you get bitten in half by a Great White shark, you bastarding, git-faced git."

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Government's 'Banned List' Makes Everything All Better

THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.

Within minutes of the Home Office announcement, racists, violent extremists and homophobes agreed to put down their placards and stop being so ruddy unpleasant all the time.

The Reverend Fred Phelps, the US psychopath who thinks all soldiers are gay witches, said: "The British government makes an excellent point. I will stop thinking these thoughts immediately."

He added: "Would you like to touch me on the bottom?"

And militant Islamic fruitcake, Safwat Hijazi, said: "Did I really say the infidels should be beheaded and that we should paint our mosques with their blood? That doesn't sound like me – I must have been drunk.

"Anyway, who's up for a double bill of Jesus Christ Superstar and Fiddler on the Roof?"

The government acted after a handful of British tourists were infected with horrid, nasty thoughts on the plane home from Acapulco.

Julian Cook, from Bristol, said: "About half way through the flight I turned to my wife and said, 'I don't want to go back to Britain, it's full of black people and homosexuals'. And she said she felt exactly the same way."

The government has today sent a leaflet to every home in the country advising what to do if you find yourself being a bigot, including wiping down hard surfaces with Dettol and spending a long weekend in the Lake District with an Asian lesbian.

Meanwhile people across Britain are demanding that any 'banned list' must include the pathetic couple from the BT adverts.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: "I thought we'd got rid of them, but they're back and if we do not do something now it will be fucking weddings and fucking babies and it will go on and on and on."