God ignores idiots

GOD has ignored the fervent prayers of idiots, allowing Barack Obama to be re-elected as President.

Despite Mormon fasts, the efforts of Billy Graham and countless “pray-ins” urging Him to delivery victory to Mitt Romney, God refused to listen.

Indeed, He went so far as to part the clouds over Texas and bare his backside over the state, a gesture some theologians interpreted as a sure sign of His scorn. There were also reports of heavy monsoons of urine in several ‘red’ states.

God, addressing mortals directly for the first time since the Old Testament via a celestial Tannoy system, said: “You Bible Belt pinheads have got starvation, war and global warming down there and now you want Mitt Romney too?

“I don’t do anything about any of that other stuff so why the hell do you think I’d help you out on this one?

“If it’s not this, it’s the gays. Hey, I created them. I figured, throw in about ten percent of them, break up the sexual monotony.

“Now leave me alone.”

Dallas preacher Joseph Turner said: “As ever, God’s message is ambiguous and full of hidden meaning.

“Especially the words ‘FUCK OFF!’ written in a 400 ft-high fiery letters in the sky. It must be an allegory for something.”



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Romney raised by impala

MITT Romney was born in Kenya and raised by beasts, it has emerged.

According to Kenyan tribal elders, the Republican candidate’s parents were on safari in East Africa when their jeep crashed and a pregnant Mrs Romney gave premature birth to a son.

A rogue giraffe immediately stole the child and bore him deep into the savannah.

Raised by a herd of impala, Romney learned the predatory ‘downsize or be downsized’ ways of the animal kingdom which would set him in such good stead when working at Bain Capital.

Eventually, aged 45, Romney was reunited with his family. His ‘wilderness name’ Mitotonga was shortened to Mitt.

Romney scholar Tom Booker said: “After a further 20 years, with intensive therapy, Mr Romney has learned the very basic ability to bond with other human beings by blinking hard, waving stiffly and appearing to agree with whatever they say.”

Donald Trump said: “Mr Romney’s African descent is no obstacle to him becoming president. Indeed, it is a boon.

“During his time as Lord of the Jungle he achieved real change and privatised a number of watering holes.”