He's Not Really Going To Use That Money For A Bus, Is He? Asks Scottish Government

THE Scottish government has conceded that the dishevelled young
man it gave 50 pence to last year has probably spent it on
drugs or alcohol.

Ministers said the man had seemed genuine in his appeal for bus fare and that the situation was given added urgency as he had to get home in time for his daughter’s birthday party.

Justice minister Kenny MacAskill said: “I saw no reason to doubt his story. He had obviously not had much sleep – I assume because he had missed his last bus the day before and then been up all night with worry after his wallet was eaten by that horse.

“His fatigue had also clearly caused him to fall into a hedge because there were scratch marks all over his forearms.

“And in a desperate bid to get some sleep – and be nice and fresh for the party – he had obviously found it necessary to drink at least two pints of whisky.

“It was also very apparent that he had been unable to find a suitable place to urinate during the night and had eventually been forced to use his own underpants.”

He added: “However, it has now been a year and despite giving him my name and address, I have still not received my cheque for 50 pence.

“I am now beginning to suspect that there was no bus. And I’m also beginning to wonder if this gentleman even has a daughter.”

MacAskill admitted his legal options were limited and that the money was ‘probably gone for good’ but stressed the next time he was asked for bus fare by a tired, drunk, urine-soaked man he would be sure to take their name and address as well.

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Cole Acclimatises To Liverpool With Criminal Record

JOE Cole continued his bid to acclimatise to life in Liverpool yesterday by appearing before a magistrate.

The midfielder was found guilty of a speeding offence in Surrey but stressed he would use his court experience to break a series of laws on Merseyside and give plenty of cheek to the local ‘bizzies’.  

Cole said: “It’s a real change of pace since my London days, where I’d be upping knees all day long in between bouts of thinking the Krays were a smashing set of blokes.

“But I definitely made the right decision in coming to Liverpool rather than Manchester, as walking around like a gibbon with a baffling sense of superiority does sound a bit knackering.”

Liverpoologist Tom Logan said: “Cole will have to be careful as the Scouser is an easily-agitated creature who will aggressively defend its habitat for fucking hours on end.

“The easiest way to gain its trust is to say how great ‘The Fabs’ were and pretend to enjoy its humour. If that fails then you must immediately give it something known as a ‘bifter’.”

Cole will now complete his Anfield initiation by rolling around in Jamie Carragher’s unwashed kit to pick up the scent of Liverpool before starting a pub fight for a reason that has been drawn from a hat.

He added: “The driving offence is a good start but I don’t think I’ll feel as if I truly belong here until I’ve stolen a packet of value-brand sausages.”