How can this dictatorial one-party state survive without supreme leader BoJo, sorry Kim Jong-un?

THE news that a curiously-coiffed dictator is ill and his yes-man government is falling apart has left Britain, sorry North Korea, reeling. 

The state, which has deliberately cut itself off from its neighbours and whose media is non-stop propaganda claiming everything is wonderful, is thought to be closer to collapse then ever. Still North Korea.

An aide to the supreme leader said: “He’s ruthlessly removed from power anyone he considered a threat, anyone with their own opinions, anyone who’s offended him. There are only headless chickens left.

“The country’s been run into the ground and is in no state to battle a global crisis. Now he’s holed up in one of his palaces with his mistress, who’s going to be in charge? Michael Gove?”

Another insider agreed: “All he does is swill cognac and rant about how the decadent democracies of the EU are doomed.

“But he’s still in control of a nuclear arsenal. And he’s such an insane egotist he might try to take the world with him. Again, just for clarity, this is Kim Jong-un.”

President Trump has sent messages to both leaders, hoping they will soon recover and rejoin his gang of mad bastards destroying Western civilisation.

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Woman who hasn't showered for a week disinfecting her phone

A WOMAN who last showered a week ago is carefully disinfecting her iPhone, she has confirmed. 

Eleanor Shaw has abandoned all personal hygiene but is deeply concerned about the cleanliness of her smartphone, which is filthy because she touches it.

Shaw said: “Coronavirus can survive on a phone’s surface for days, especially if you’re jabbing its smashed screen all the time with greasy fingers like me.

“That’s why I’m going to give my phone the spa treatment by scrubbing it down with antibacterial wipes. Then I’ll immediately hammer out a text with my contaminated digits.

“Until Apple releases a two-metre long stylus, I can’t think of a better solution.”

Partner Tom Booker said: “I’m glad Ellie’s taking better care of her phone. When she dropped it down the toilet she just popped it in a bowl of rice. But I’m fairly sure she ate the rice after.

“I don’t think she can catch coronavirus from her phone, because she’s not been anywhere. But she stinks.”