The key questions about living under lockdown with your partner

HALF the planet’s under lockdown, and your other half is under lockdown with you. What are the recurring questions this is bringing up? 

Do I have to show who I really am or should I wait until we have kids? 

It should absolutely wait. Without children you can still go off and be your real self in the spare room or on short drives to the shops. Divulging everything now risks your partner realising you’re a terrible source of genetic material. Once you’ve had kids, try to keep your true self hidden until they’re teenagers to hide how unfit you are as a parent.

Can I still yell at them for no legitimate reason? 

Yes, certainly. Most successful relationships are based on blaming your partner for everything then offering a shame-faced half-apology later, and lockdown is ideal for establishing these patterns. Also, despite knowing everything they do around the house because you’re there too, claim they do nothing.

Should we keep a safe distance during intercourse? 

During intercourse and at all other times. Social distancing is just a new name for what was previously called ‘marriage’, where a clear six feet is maintained between you and your partner for years. Sex should not involve any touching. Get creative!

What’s taking them so long in the shower/bathroom/spare room/shed? 

They are dealing with the sexual frustration caused by the above. Don’t interrupt.

Will it get better than this after the pandemic is over? 

Most likely not. Lockdown – confined to one location, no contact with friends or family, nothing to do but eat and lie in the sun – is little different in substance from an all-inclusive holiday. This could end up being remembered as the good old days.

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I'm not a hawk I'm a vulture, says Priti Patel

THE home secretary has clarified that she is neither a cabinet hawk or a cabinet dove but a evil cabinet vulture. 

The cabinet is currently split between hawks, who want to end lockdown to save the economy, and doves, who are concerned about everyone in Britain dying, and Priti, who is waiting.

Patel said: “First of all, who wins a fight between hawks and doves? It’s not the doves. They’re a cloud of bloodied white feathers within the first 20 seconds.

“But from my lofty perch, on top of a blighted, crooked tree that was struck by lightning, even the hawks are just carrion waiting to happen.

“They can have their little fight, I’ll deal with the losers, then I’ll patiently sit here until the country re-opens and the next stage can begin. Really looking forward to the next stage.

“Boris? He’s weak. It’s only as a mark of respect for him as prime minister that I’m not endlessly wheeling in the sky above Chequers, waiting for him to fall.”

Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove said: “Priti really is a Tory through and through. It’s inspiring.”