Couple living as if post-pandemic break up not going to happen

A CO-HABITING couple are living through lockdown for all the world as if they will not split the moment it is over. 

Donna Sheridan and Stephen Malley are both breezing through their weeks of lockdown together with every appearance of being a happy, committed couple, confident in the knowledge their relationship will very soon be done.

Sheridan said: “You’d never know. Apart from I’m paying undue attention to when the lockdown will be over and discreetly packing a few things.

“I’m actually enjoying his company at this point, in a one-last-hurrah kind of a way, while still making post-pandemic plans for citybreaks and restaurant visits as if I won’t be gone the second the rules are relaxed.”

Malley agreed: “I don’t think Donna realises, but I’ll be binge-drinking with the boys in the Bahamas rather than the romantic trip to Florence she’s on about. But why bring that up now?

“Instead we’ll enjoy these final weeks together in her blissful ignorance then as soon as this dystopia is over, I get the f**k out of here before she finds out I shagged her sister.”

In a further three weeks, Malley and Sheridan are expected to be smiling with clenched teeth as the prime minister announces lockdown will continue until August.

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A garden, and four other lockdown status symbols

LAST year the garden was nothing more than somewhere to send your mates who still smoke, but in 2020 it’s a key indicator of superiority. 

A garden

It may be small, choked with brambles and trampolines and overlooked by a dual carriageway, but it’s outside space and it’s private and it’s yours. Take every selfie here. This is the 2020 equivalent of a beach hut on a white sand beach in Mauritius.

A garageful of chest freezers

Just as exotic foods indicated the importance of feudal kings, freezers packed with Iceland chicken strips separate the lockdown royalty from the peasants. Their owners have enough to last into 2023, which won’t stop them from getting a big shop delivered weekly.

A carport

Useless for storing cars in, but incredibly valuable as a space that is neither house or garden where you can pile up all the crap you’ve cleared out and perhaps sneak a quick spliff while your partner’s in the kitchen.

Fast Wi-Fi

Hard to spot from the street, so you’ll need to brag on social media about how you’ve just streamed Chronicles of Riddick without any buffering. If you want to stop others from enjoying the same luxury, burn their 5G towers.

Your health

If you’ve got it, you’re probably starting to realise what a massive benefit your good health actually is. Once lockdown’s lifted you can forget this revelation and go back to stuffing your face with chips, but in the meantime flaunt your high-functioning lungs. You’re winning.