How I'd make being deported to Rwanda less fun, by a Tory voter

HAVE you bloody seen Rwanda? It’s like the all-inclusive they give as the prize on Good Morning Britain. Roy Hobbs explains how to make it a proper deterrent: 

Make them sail there

Air travel’s for those who can afford EasyJet. If dinghies were good enough to get to Britain, they’re good enough to sail to Africa. Pirates, sharks and international shipping lanes are a risk they’ll have to take. Who care if Rwanda’s landlocked. Never heard of rivers?

No luxury accommodation

These refugee hotels are nicer than the B&B we stayed in in Prestatyn last year. Make them less appealing by putting stains on the mattresses and building a brick wall three feet from the windows so there’s no view. For breakfast you’d only get the very cheap sausages. If you’re Muslim you’ll just have to fill up on toast.

Definitely no room service

I haven’t paid taxes for 40 years for all the toppings on a hand-delivered 12-inch stuffed crust Mongolian Hot. If they want a late-night snack there’s individually-wrapped shortbread biscuits by the tea and coffee making facilities.

Make the weather horrible

From what I can see it’s sunny 24-7 in Rwanda. That needs to stop. Controlling the weather is a challenge that’s eluded mankind for centuries but now there’s the motivation. I suggest a grey plastic dome with a sprinkler system simulating rain six days out of seven. If they don’t like rain, why were they coming to Britain in the first place?

No going on safari

I took the family to Knowsley Safari Park and it cost me bloody 70 quid, before ice creams. Refugees will just be able to stroll over to the nearest jungle and see lions and elephants and zebras for free. The most they should be allowed is a petting zoo with diseased rabbits.

Start the civil war again

Back in the 90s Rwanda had a civil war, a bad one. Priti Patel should ask the Rwandan government if they can get that going again. Maybe she already has.

Lights out at 8pm

Everyone should be in bed by 8pm and the TV should automatically shut off. I’m not into coming up with petty ways to make life miserable for immigrants, I’m just worried about the pressure on the NHS. Lights out and the windows open for fresh air like youth hostels. See if they still like Britain after that.

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Man's body now permanently adjusted to four-day weekends

AN OFFICE worker has, following Easter, shifted to a three-day week four-day weekend calendar and is unable to shift back. 

Tom Logan of Hitchin believes his biological clock has, after the Good Friday-Easter Monday stretch, reset to a schedule of four days pissing about per week in perpetuity.

He said: “When Will tried to put a Friday meeting in the diary, the room span. I greyed out. My colleagues could only revive me by saying that of course I’d be in my pants playing Xbox by then, because it’s the weekend.

“I can’t accept anything less. It’s like jet lag; my body’s simply physically unable to keep to the working week as was, that our ancestors followed, that is impractical today. I must listen to my body. We all must.

“Will suggested I go part-time, but he’s missed the point. This is the new full-time. At a cellular level, I need my weekends to be twice as long, but still getting all of that money.”

Employment lawyer Helen Archer said: “We’re seeing cases of this everywhere. Ordinary workers whose biorhythms mean they cannot be arsed to work more than three days in a row.

“There’s no cure. With the Jubilee weekend coming, it’s only set to get worse.”