'I'm not Trump,' says Trump

DONALD Trump has denied being this ‘President Trump’ who has apparently done something bad.

The US leader looked exaggeratedly around the White House conference room when his actions at the Helsinki summit were criticised in an apparent attempt to locate the individual under discussion. 

Trump said: “Trump? Trump who? Never heard of him. 

“I’ll get my people on it, to look for him. Bring him to justice so fast. So much justice. 

“Me? John Barron, businessman, operating out of New York City. Which I own. Currently dating Gigi Hadid but you didn’t hear that from me. You can print it, though, okay? Just say ‘anonymous source’. 

“Look like him? He must be a good-looking guy, sure. Maybe he didn’t do anything wrong, did you think of that? That’s what I heard.” 

The President then left the room and returned moments later, clapping his hands and announcing that he was back and no more questions would be taken. 

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Man thinks not liking things is the same as having a personality

A MAN thinks disliking popular stuff makes him interesting, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley is vocal about his distaste for Game of Thrones, football and pizza, and believes himself to be a waggish contrarian rather than a tiresome reactionary bellend.

Malley said: “I’m just wired differently. Whereas the average person enjoys things like blockbuster movies, or arthouse movies, I think they are all rubbish.

“Also holidays are bullshit and the Call of Duty games are overrated.

“Animals are shit too.”

He said: “I set up a dating profile to show off my esoteric character. I even put ‘NOT a fan of The Simpsons‘ on there.

“I don’t have any dates yet, but that’s fine because I hate sex anyway.”