Work anniversaries are not a thing, world informs LinkedIn

HUMANS do not celebrate the anniversary of getting their job, the world has told LinkedIn.

Despite the site sending out millions of emails every day urging its users to congratulate each other on reaching another year of – usually miserable – employment, the planet has unanimously agreed that it has got to stop.

A representative for the human race said: “Seriously LinkedIn, you can cut out that bullshit. I have never once been congratulated on a work anniversary, either in the real world or on your weirdly clingy website.

“And just so you know, most of us have had bowel movements that we remember more fondly than starting our jobs.”

The representative added that no humans are remotely fucked about who is looking at their LinkedIn profiles either, so they can lay off the daily missives about that too.

LinkedIn responded immediately with 25 billion jargon-filled emails from which it is impossible to unsubscribe.

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Woman whose boyfriend says he likes 'natural look' to stop washing

A WOMAN whose boyfriend claims he likes women who look ‘natural’ is going to stop washing her hair and shaving her toes, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis has decided that if boyfriend Tom Logan wants her to look ‘fresh-faced’ and ‘like she just woke up’ he’s going to get the full treatment, including a monobrow and fingernails like a warlock.

Hollis said: “I know that when Tom says he likes me to be natural looking, he doesn’t mean with massive bags under my eyes because he’s kept me up all night snoring like a pig on ketamine.

“He means wearing enough foundation, concealer and mascara to stop me looking knackered, plus removing all the hair from my body, apart from that on my head and a frankly ludicrously-shaped patch on my pubic region.

“So I’m going to let myself go to seed like an abandoned garden and see how much he enjoys me being ‘natural’ then.

“I’m aiming for looking like a cross between Mrs Twit and Brian Blessed, with the feet of Bilbo Baggins and hair like a bird’s nest. And then I’m going to dump him for being a bit of a bellend.”