Totally chaotic, f**ked-up mess of a family to get third dog

A FAMILY that exists in a state of filthy chaos has agreed that it would be great to get a third dog.

The Shaws, who have four feral children with at least two pets each, made the decision after their ‘Staffy-cross’ pulled a door off a kitchen cupboard and chewed it to pieces which nobody has yet picked up.

Mum Eleanor Shaw said: “Poor Snorlax. He must be lonely. That explains the shitting.

“The cats don’t help, because they’re still chasing Annabelle’s ferret that escaped into the loft even though I’m pretty sure it died a fortnight ago. Though the smell could be the toilet. Must call a plumber.

“Anyway none of the kids ever walks him because they’re always on Fortnite or smashing glass in the front garden. And the lizards aren’t any company, not really.

“So, since Neil’s off work with his infected foot and the Micra’s still running even though Jack slightly crashed it, I think the time’s right for another puppy.

“Maybe something small, like a terrier. They’re no trouble at all and I don’t think Laurel’s allergic.”

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Time-travelling smartarse 'is terrible role model for children'

DOCTOR Who is a totally unrealistic and quite annoying role model for children, parents have realised.

After new Doctor Jodie Whittaker said she hoped to inspire girls, parents said they would prefer their did not have absurd time-travelling ambitions and keep making unfunny quips.

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “When I explained to my son Jack that time travel is logically impossible, he cried for two days. Thanks a lot, BBC.

“Then there are the wisecracks. I asked why he wasn’t ready for school and he said he’d been back in time for a game of ping pong with Julius Caesar. That’s not funny, it’s just bollocks.

“Also Jack’s a complete menace on his bike now he thinks he can ‘regenerate’.”

Dad Tom Logan said: “My youngest Ellie thinks it’s fantastic that girls can become Time Lords now. It’s not going to be easy telling her she’s probably going to work in an office.”

Six-year-old Martin Bishop said: “I like looking up ‘classic’ Doctor Who on my iPad and telling mummy about obscure characters like the Krotons until she drinks lots of wine.”