Wetherspoon unveils 'Brexit Chaos' breakfast

WETHERSPOON has unveiled its new ‘Brexit Chaos’ breakfast, which includes an unknown quantity of vague, ever-changing ingredients.

A Wetherspoon spokesman said: “F*ck knows what it actually is. Just like the actual Brexit you’ll demand it without any idea whatsoever you’re getting.

“Might be a bowl of chips, some cherry tomatoes and a spoonful of peanut butter. Or a microwave lasagne. Or a pineapple.

“But you’ll demand it and then you’ll also have to pretend to be happy with what you’re given.

“And of course you can have a cheap pint with it even though it’s your breakfast, you’re not celebrating anything, you’re not on holiday and we really do care about your life expectancy.”

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Hoity-toity north-west lords it over rest of Britain with fancy hosepipe ban

SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.

A United Utilities hosepipe ban in the north-west has left affluent south-easteners ashamed of their abundant, cheap water and verdant herbaceous borders. 

Susan Traherne of Wilmslow said: “It must be easy for them down there in Kent. Just turn on the tap and away the sprinkler goes. So common. 

“I look out at my wilting rhododendrons, my yellowing Lavatera, the roses which barely bloom before their petals fall, and the only comfort I can find is how superior I am than them. 

“If I want my Siberian irises to flower, then I have to water them with Evian. I suppose they’re still using standard tap. How… appropriate.” 

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistresss of Guildford, said: “Damn it all. First London’s exposed as a big shithole and now this.”