Investment banking will fix hurricane damage, says Romney

THE devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy can only be fixed with a new wave of unregulated investment banking, Mitt Romney has claimed.

The Republican candidate said there was no need for the New York Fire Department to deal with the large crane arm dangling over Manhattan as it could be placed gently onto a huge pile of money made by Goldman Sachs.

He added: “You then lower it gradually to the ground by removing money at the bottom of the pile and paying it out as bonuses. Voila!”

Romney also claimed the most effective way to deal with a 13-foot wall of sea water is a complex system of credit default swaps.

“You line them up along the shore and as soon as the waves hit their yield increases by 14%. Surge!”

He revealed that if he was still running Bain Capital he would be eagerly buying up thousands of flooded homes at rock bottom prices before renting them out to their previous owners on a rolling, one-month lease.

“It’s good for shareholders and it’s good for the former homeowners who now have a great incentive to work a lot harder. Especially if they don’t want me coming round everyday to tell them about Joseph Smith and his Magic Hat.”

And Romney insisted that in his America hedge funds would already be trading ‘futures’ in the thousands of fallen trees that litter New York and New Jersey.

He said: “President Obama wants to interfere with those trees. He simply doesn’t understand that the best thing you can do with a fallen tree is to give it the freedom to stay exactly where it is.”



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Chelsea FC gets nuclear weapons

ROMAN Abramovich has bought the Trident weapons system as part of a plan to shore up Chelsea’s defences.

The £25 billion price tag represents a club record and sends a signal that Abramovich is serious in his ambitions for Chelsea FC to be feared globally.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The question is, would Chelsea seriously deploy nuclear warheads to prevent Ashley Young from making a surging run from midfield?

“They’d prevent a certain goal but in the process annihilate London, kill millions of people and condemn many more to a slow, agonising death – and all for three points. Would it be worth it?

“Nuclear weapons can be a strategic boon, but they present managers with big moral decisions, affecting not only the outcome of the match but the survival of humanity.”

Defence expert Stephen Malley said: “This signals the beginning of a football arms race. Arsene Wenger has just maxed out his budget with four broken Chieftain tanks.

“Stoke have converted their restaurant into a laboratory and are hoping to enrich uranium in time for the re-opening of the weapons transfer window.

“And Manchester City’s owners have bought the Star Wars Missile Defence system, but are still working out a way to make it only cover the blue half of the City.”