ISIS issues tired, idiotic cliches

ISIS has tried and failed to issue a scary-sounding statement.

The terrorist organisation warned of ‘dark days’ for the ‘crusaders’, making everyone wonder if it was written by 14-year-old boy.

Security expert Norman Steele said: “Based on the doomy cliches that pepper their public announcements, I think it’s fair to say that ISIS read a lot of heavy metal album sleeve notes.

“Some of the things they come out with are lyrics copied directly from Iron Maiden songs, altered slightly to add an absurd sense of self-justification. It’s the sort of thing small boys are into when they’re at that stage of trying to act hard.”

One ISIS supporter posted online: “We are the bringers of darkness – fear us.”

Steele responded: “That sounds like the cover blurb of a James Herbert book about killer owls.”

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I'm just a metaphor for sex, realises Easter Bunny

THE Easter Bunny has expressed shock and disgust that he’s just some weird metaphor for sex.

The seasonal rabbit said it had finally clicked with him that rabbits are known for their excessive mating and that the eggs he delivers are a symbol of birth.

He said: “I was getting all these eggs ready for kids and then I thought, ‘This isn’t just delicious chocolate that coincidentally happens to be egg-shaped, this whole thing is about reproduction’.

“I’m not totally sure how comfortable I am with being a massive symbol of fertility, especially given that most of my fans are under 12.

“I thought I was doing it because rabbits were cool and funky and kids love them. Now I feel a bit soiled.”

Other animals have already offered to step in if the Easter Bunny quits his role as main egg delivery operative.

Duck Mary Fisher said: “I’m happy to be a symbol of fertility and I can also deliver my own eggs.”

Meanwhile polar bear Wayne Hayes said he would deliver the eggs for free as long as he got his expenses covered.