It is necessary to cage migrant children plus we like it, explains White House

DONALD Trump’s team have explained that it is necessary put migrant children in cages and also they like doing it.

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said: “Strict border control is necessary for homeland security, which is why we must detain immigrant children in prison-like conditions away from family members. Also, caging kids is just the sort of thing we like doing.

“We are absolutely wretched bastards who seem human decency as weakness, and perhaps unsurprisingly have a strong sadistic streak.

“Once I cried and black tears came out. Actual black tears. My soul was leaking out of my eyes and it was like warm oil.”

She added: “I was going to add some stuff about Jesus and the Bible, but I can’t be bothered because some clever-clever fucker would only point out that ‘Jesus was an immigrant’.

“Yes he was. We’d put him in a cage too, then say ‘how you like them apples Jesus’ and laugh.

“Anyway enjoy your day.”

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Everyone referring to woman with baby as 'Mum'

A WOMAN who has a baby is being called ‘Mum’ by all medical professionals, family members, friends and strangers. 

Eleanor Shaw, who welcomed a boy into the world after the worst 37 hours of her life, is now not only too tired to drink more than one glass of wine, but also adjusting to being called ‘Mum’ by everyone.

Shaw commented: “The first time my partner called me ‘Mum’ I thought he was joking but then he kept saying it. Then my parents and his parents joined in. My baby is going to grow up thinking I’m called ‘Mum’.

“I thought the sleepless nights and constant arguments about who’s working hardest – which is obviously the mother – were what drove couples apart after a baby, but that’s nothing compared to a grown man you used to shag calling you ‘Mum’”.

Shaw’s partner, Ben, said: “Baby and Mum are doing really well. It’s such a happy time and I couldn’t be more proud of my baby’s Mum. She’s just the best Mum.”

Shaw added: “Is everyone trying to remind me I’m a mother in case I forget I have a small human constantly attached to my breast? The only person who doesn’t call me ‘Mum’ is my son because he can’t yet talk.

“I’ve decided to teach him to call me ‘Her Name’s Fucking Eleanor’. It’s going to be so magical to hear him say that for the first time.”