Kim Jong-un wondering if North Korea really loves him

NORTH Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has admitted wondering if his people love him as deeply and infinitely as they claim.

The supreme leader, who took over two years ago, sometimes feels like the 25 million North Koreans only fell for him on the rebound from his father Kim Jong-il.

He said: “One minute they were all oh, your dad is the only light in our sky guiding us to a glorious revolutionary future, the next they were all over me.

“Yes, they applaud my speeches for 40 minutes at a time and make two-mile-square mosaics of my face, but are their hearts in it or are they just going through the rigidly synchronised motions?

“And I don’t like to be jealous, but look at their history. Before Dad, they were all over my grandfather like a cheap grey workers’ smock.

“Do these people just unconditionally adore anyone on a stage called Kim? What are they, Pixies fans?

“I guess I’d believe they meant it if they did something romantic like, I don’t know, overwhelming the South Korean border defences, drowning the enemy in their bodies, taking the whole country by force and executing every able-bodied man over 18.

“Until they do, I’ll still feel like the only person I can trust is Dennis Rodman.”

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My main talent is having a big gob

Dear Holly,

The other day I had nothing interesting to say and ended up publicly announcing my retirement by mistake. I’ve since realised that my main talent is having a big gob. A move into politics would seem logical; do you agree? 

Justin Bieber

Los Angeles

Dear Justin,

Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried ‘wolf’? Basically it’s a story that grown ups like to tell kids to make them think that telling naughty lies to get attention results in you being socially ostracised and then potentially mauled to death by a large predator along with all your sheep. But don’t worry, the true moral of the story is that if you try to teach children behavioural norms via Aesop’s fables, they’ll probably point and laugh at you and then put a Post-It on your back which says ‘big fat jobby-womble’.

Hope that helps!