Knee-jerk response to ISIS taking an awfully long time

WESTERN governments are taking too long to come up with an ill-thought out response to ISIS, it has been claimed.

‘We don’t have a strategy that isn’t shit’

Furious people have demanded to know why every last one of these Islamic State savages was not killed at least a week ago.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “Smart bombs.

“Kill them all with those smart bombs that only kill the people you want to kill.”

Jane Thomson, from Hatfield, added: “SAS, Navy Seals, that sort of thing. Balaclavas, under cover of night, one shot-one kill. Just do that 10 to 15 thousand times.”

But Tom Logan, from Stevenage, stressed that while he was opposed to knee-jerk responses, he was very much in favour of responses that were both good and soon.

He said: “It’s just the 21st Century equivalent of the SS, so there’s no rush. Give it a year, maybe two, then we can do something.

“But by then they’ll probably have got bored and given up because their religious fanaticism does seem pretty flimsy.

“In the meantime, could we maybe just crack on with removing the passports of nutters who want to kill everybody?”

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Football agents return to hibernation

AFTER a summer of frenzied activity, football agents have returned to their slumber on huge piles of money.

Immediately after the transfer window closed, the agents spread their black leathery wings and took flight to warmer climes where they will remain in their underground cave homes until January.

Agent-watcher Tom Booker said: “It’s quite amazing to observe the migration patterns of the agent.

“As soon as the football season ends, the flock arrives. For several weeks they will circle big-name players and clubs excitedly with their distinctive call of ‘Harry Redknapp, Harry Redknapp’.

“Then, as soon as they have accumulated a sufficiently large heap of money to serve as bedding for their huge reptilian bodies, they head for the Caribbean before they are forced to actually watch a game of football.

“Between now and January they will snooze atop piles of crisp twenties. If they’re woken out of season, they’ll force you to take Niko Kranjcar or Danny Gabbidon on loan.”

Despite agents being widely regarded as a pest, their mating ritual of buying champagne for tables of promiscuous women in vile London clubs remains extremely effective.