Maltese Town Dresses Phallic Statue In School Shorts

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.

Pope Benedict is due to visit the town of Luqa on Saturday, but many fear he may be embarrassed by the Colonna Mediterranea monument unless it looks as if it is poking out of an adolescent boy's fly.

Local mayor, John Schembri, said: "We're having a 30ft pair of shorts made while a local artist is painting a huge mural of a priest with a hungry look in his eye to stand next to it."

The sculpture is to be renamed 'Choirboy Resplendent' and will be fitted with a special collar to to make it look appropriately uncircumcised.

Schembri added: "This is a huge occasion for our village and the last thing we need is an 83 year-old Bavarian catholic gaping in horror at 10 foot of powerfully tumescent Jewishness."

The mayor revealed that an earlier plan to cover the monument with a sheet of plastic was abandoned amid fears it could send the Pontiff into a prophylactic-induced fit.

But Paul Vella Critien, the artist who completed the work in 2006, said: "It shows a shocking ignorance of art that my reinterpretation of an Egyptian obelisk could be confused for…oh, hang on, I see it now. It's a great, big multi-coloured cock, isn't it?"


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Fury Over Padded Bikinis For Pets

ANIMAL rights groups have called for a ban on a new range of provocative padded beachwear for pets.

The 'furkinis' include a skimpy cat thong with fake diamante detailing, a one-piece, lace-trimmed dog swimming costume emblazoned with the word 'Lovehound' and a padded elasticated bra top for snakes.

Animal rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: "These products are blatantly pandering to the sort of person who wants to have intercourse with underage dogs, whatever that sort of person is called.

"Pets should be allowed to be pets, not furry four-legged prostitutes. It's unbelievably irresponsible to allow your cat out dressed like a slut, especially if you live in certain regions of the Forest of Dean."

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs recently bought a furkini for his Yorkshire terrier bitch, Fiver.

He said: "We got it as a joke but I have to admit she actually looks pretty good in it. It reminds me a bit of how my wife used to look, before she had the kids.

"Now I can't help thinking Fiver would look pretty good in a tennis skirt, or perhaps a Japanese school uniform kind of thing. You're not going to use my name are you?"

But furkini designer, Joanna Kramer, said: 'People talk a lot about animal rights, but don't animals have a right to look hot?

"Plus they'd otherwise be naked. And surely a naked horse is far more sexually provocative than a horse in well-cut, tanga-style trunks?"