Massively stoned Brit in Amsterdam pretending he can discern between skunk varieties

AN out-of-his-box British man in Amsterdam is claiming he can tell the difference between various strains of super-strong skunk. 

Nathan Muir, who has been smoking weed glistening with crystals since 9am, sees afterimages of his hand when he waves it and forgets what he is saying halfway through a sentence, but remains convinced he is a cannabis connoisseur.

He said: “Yeah, the bubblegum’s definitely a smoother high than this.. ah… purple lemon punch. And… longer-lasting.

“Which is this one of Steve’s we’re smoking now? This joint someone passed me? Who passed me this? What’s in it? What do you mean you can’t remember? What was I saying?

“Anyway this… AK-47 is a harsher toke, granted, but it’s a much cleaner high. Not befuddling at all. Where are we? Weren’t we somewhere else, before?”

Friend Tom Booker said: “Pretending you can tell what skunk you’re smoking in Amsterdam is like claiming you can tell what truck’s run you over by the tyre treads.

“Face it, Nathan. We’re British, we’re speechlessly stoned and it’s all just weed to us. Let’s all stare swaying into the middle distance together.”

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I mixed up Ireland and the Isle of Man, admits Johnson

THE prime minister has confessed to his Brexit negotiating team that he confused Ireland, the independent country and EU member, with the Isle of Man. 

Johnson, who visited the Isle of Man on a family holiday from paying tax in the 1970s, admitted that he did not consider it a stumbling block in negotiations because it is small and the Queen is in charge anyway.

Only when EU leaders showed him a map did he realise that the much larger landmass to the west was actually Ireland and he had been labouring under a frightful misapprehension for many years.

He said: “Dear me. So that’s not America?

“I must confess I spent geography lessons flicking ink-bombs at that girly swot Cameron and paid little attention to maps. I assumed the Troubles were mainly based around control of the vital steam railway link between Douglas and Port Erin and, of course, the Laxey Wheel.

“Imagine my surprise when old Juncker pulls down a map of the world and points to this gigantic chunk of land I always assumed was Greenland and tells me that’s Ireland. Who knew?

“Well, we’re going to have to go back and look at things afresh. But we’ll definitely be leaving Greenland – sorry, Europe – by October 31st, don’t you jolly well worry.”